Free at Last

"The hottest love always has the coldest end." -Drake

If you would have asked me if I was over him, I would have told you, yes.  I didn't have any contact with him, I'd suppressed all thoughts of him, and I refused to speak of him, good or bad.  I was done, literally and figuratively, block listed his ass from my phone and my heart....as so I thought.  And then I ran into him, a year later, unprepared, and in the most unlikeliest of places.

Neither of us are big club people, even though we have both been known to party with the best of them.  So, every now and again, we allow our friends to drag us out for a night of drunken fun and barely memorable shenanigans.  The other night was not an exception.  After making sure my hair and makeup were on fleek, and my outfit snatched, I stepped out for a night with the girls.  And in the midst of dancing and drinking, I was literally hit with a blast from my past.  I don't know who spotted who first, but I do know there was enough starring going back and forth for one of my friends to finally say, "Do you know him?"

First, let me say, we both have a group of close friends that we usually hang around, however, neither of us happened to be with that group of friends that night.  And had we have been with the usual, I definitely don't think that the night would have began or ended in the same manner.  Low key, since I discovered that I was still resentful, it might have ended in drunken blows, or with another missed opportunity to say all of the things that should have been said long before that night.

I hadn't seen him in over a year, and our situationship had ended long before that, but laying eyes on him stirred up all of the emotions that I thought I no longer felt.  It is putting it lightly to say that our situation was passionate and intense from the beginning.  We fought and we f*cked, and then we repeated the cycle.  We cared deeply for one another, but we didn't talk, we allowed everything to reach tipping point, and maybe assumed that good sex would smooth everything over.  Drake said it best, "The hottest love has the coldest end."  And one day it all blew up.  He moved on, literally and figuratively... I didn't, and while it hurt, it just was, and I accepted it, and push it to the furthest realms of my mind.

And then, at the bar of this club that neither of us had ever been too, we met, again.  My first inclination was to pretend that we hadn't been meeting each other's eyes and to just avoid any contact with him.  But that plan was quickly nixed by a quick girl's trip to the restroom.  Our eyes met, and this time, he decided to be the bigger person and initiate the conversation.  It's almost ironic that in a place usually filled with ill intentions, I was able to make peace with a man that I used to love.

I didn't know that the apology mattered, I didn't realize I needed to know that he still cared, I didn't care to ever consider that maybe he had loved me too (even if I loved him more)....  We shared a night, a night that I will never regret, and from that night, I gained the one thing I didn't even know I had been missing.  Peace.

What's Your Fit

"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

-Sir Winston Churchill

By now, you probably know that I frequently straddle the fence between saint and sinner, and on more days than I care to admit, I sometimes allow both legs to hit the darker side full throttle.  I'm a thrill seeker and a typical Sagittarius that doesn't know a life without pushing boundaries. However, this morning I awoke surprisingly early (10:00am is early to me), after a night filled with many libations, with a heart that longed to hear the word.  I wish that I could embellish my story and say I got fresh to death and headed to the holy house, but it's 2015.  So, I more like pulled on a tshirt, because I think it is blasphemy to watch church in the nude, and tuned into my local pastor via live streaming.

Ever since I finished The Alchemist, I have been more in tune with the signs of the universe and the reasons that people are brought into my life.  I'm also more cognizant of the things and people that I allow to consume my time and the role that they play in the overall picture: fulfilling my destiny.  So, today's sermon came right on time.

The title of today's sermon, "What is your fit," coincided perfectly with my current sentiments about life.  What is my destiny and what steps am I taking to fulfill it?  And one of the key points that resonated for me was leadership comes from great collaboration.  You can not be at the top of your game in any arena of life without having great minds with which to collaborate.  And it was that point that led to today's epiphany.

I am a critical thinker and an analyzer.  And I'm also slightly imaginative and delusional, hence the reason I write fiction, anything goes for a great story.  With that being said, I often come to these grand conclusions, especially with my current mindset, about why certain people with certain attributes seem to come into my life at certain times.  Sometimes I chuckle and have to thank God for not allowing me to get caught up with that select few of unambitious men that I knew I wanted to marry when it was "our" season.  Thank you God for your sense of discernment, when I clearly had none, because I know I fought you tooth and nail to hold on to some of those niggas.  However, in my last post, I spoke of the men that are currently in my life, and how they all seem to fit the same mold.  And today, it all began to make sense.

In the words of my pastor, "One thing I've never seen is God NOT show up (even when we wanted him to mind his own business)." And when he shows up (stomp 3 times), you know he likes to show out.  I realized today that I haven't finished a book since 2011.  I've done some editing and some updates, here and there, but for the most part all of my books were finished years ago.  And as much as I love to write and will start random novels here and there, I have not finished a single book since Punishment is Due (my next release).  That means that for over 3 years, I have just been sitting on my gift.  Readers all over the country are acknowledging my talent, and I don't have anything to give them after I release Punishment is Due this summer.  Nothing.  Nothing at all.

So, a few months ago, God brought "him" back into my life.  We've always had a special connection, but it wasn't until he moved back to Houston that we were able to actually spend more time together and establish the deeper bond that comes from close proximity.  However, I still didn't get what God was doing in my life.  Then almost simultaneously a couple of months ago, he sent 2 more men, that are almost just as passionate about their gifts as "him" and spend just as many hours living and breathing life into their dreams, foregoing sleep to fulfill their destinies.  And today, it all began to make sense.  Your team fuels your dream...Let that resonate for a second.  Being surrounded by this team of successful men, that all came from nothing, but that are making their dreams come true, makes you want to start producing and creating and training for leaving your legacy on the world.  Many people fear dying and leaving their family behind or dying of a debilitating illness, etc, but my greatest fear is dying without reaching my pinnacle of success and leaving behind the type of legacy that has people talking for years to come... Not a Monica Lewinsky type legacy, but a Maya Angelou type legacy.  I will not settle for anything less.

And what God has done is given me a team that inspires, that motivates, that creates, and that won't settle for anything less than greatness.  I might not know my exact fit yet, but believe me when I say, 2015 is about to be a hell of a year. #StayTuned

Trust Issues Part 3

I consider myself to be a planner... I'm organized, I'm a control freak, and I walk around with my Erin Condren Life Planner attached to my hip like it's a vital artery.  But every now and then life likes to throw you a curve ball. A curve ball that always seem to come at moments when they are least expected.  2015 is supposed to be about stability, business ownership, and creating a solid brand, and somehow I have ended up with a starting lineup of potential "baes." Like I really needed to complicate my love life.... I've continuously joked about the grandiose engagement that was going to occur near my 30th birthday, and not even 30 days into 2015, and I've lost my mind, my focus, and my celibacy.  And the crazy thing is that, I also am starting to feel like I'm slowly drifting away from "him" even though, ironically, I've seen and talked to him more this year than I did the entire second half of 2014. I knew that we were finally on the path to getting it together....And then ....

I've always feared that somehow life would always pull us together at the most inopportune times...  And he's let someone come into the mix that is slowly stealing my interest and that will possibly steal my heart. As much as I like to have control over my surroundings, I have a built in desire to play with fire.  And this new one (clenched teeth emoji)... He has ignited something that I have not felt in a long time... In all honesty, they are so much alike professionally, that's it's starting to look like I've found my "type", but there is one thing that this new one has that he doesn't ... A passion. He's an artist, we are artist, and when two creative souls connect, there's always hot, steamy fire and desire. #StayTuned