"The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have it make some difference that we lived at all."
-Leo Buscaglia
Once upon a time, I lived for other people. Their feelings, their lives, their beliefs, their needs, all influenced my life. When they hurt, I hurt, when they failed, I felt their pain, and when they were at rock bottom, I was willing to lose myself trying to save them. And then, one day, I realized that while I was shouldering the weight of their world on my shoulders, I was losing myself in the process. And when I finally collapsed under the weight of their trials, they were never the ones there to save me. Over and over again, I faced the same lessons, I save, I mold, I make you the best you, and in the process, I lose a part of my soul. I've said it numerous times and will restate it again and again, God will give you the same test until you learn to pass it. And I had to fail that heaux over and over again before a light a bulb finally came on.
I spent much of my 20s learning and growing and making some of the same mistakes over and over, losing sight of what really mattered. I've always been destined for greatness, and excelling in my passions has always come with ease. I was the kid that never studied and excelled, the young adult that's worst is better than most people's best, and the woman that can conquer the world if I put my mind to it. Not arrogant, just aware of my God given talents. But I've also always been the woman that wears her heart on her sleeves and on more than one occasion, a man has almost been the reason why I allowed myself to wallow in self pity and stop reaching for the stars.
One of the hardest things about blogging about my life is that I'm fairly private. Even my closest friends only know what I choose to tell them. I choose to carry my own baggage in silence because I know what it's like to carry the weight of someone elses. I never want anyone to hurt with me or because of me, and even deeper than that, I never want to be the source of anyone's pity.
However recently, I had the epiphany of all epiphanies. Why do we allow ourselves to worry about things and people that don't really matter? That goes for the men, the day to day nuisances of life, the minor trials, the tribulations.... That goes for it all. If it's not going to matter 10 years from now, why do we allow it to matter today?
I'm not immune from crying. I'm not immune from pain. I'm not immune from hurting, because I am human. But what I am immune from is allowing someone else's BS to dictate my life and make me feel like less of a woman. My purpose in life is so much bigger than any relationship, any stressors associated with a 9-5 job, any drama that is not my own... I'm just out here chasing the reason for it all, and that's the only thing that matters. Keep the main thing, the main thing, and that main thing is greatness.
-Tonia
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Monday, March 16, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Free at Last
"The hottest love always has the coldest end." -Drake
If you would have asked me if I was over him, I would have told you, yes. I didn't have any contact with him, I'd suppressed all thoughts of him, and I refused to speak of him, good or bad. I was done, literally and figuratively, block listed his ass from my phone and my heart....as so I thought. And then I ran into him, a year later, unprepared, and in the most unlikeliest of places.
Neither of us are big club people, even though we have both been known to party with the best of them. So, every now and again, we allow our friends to drag us out for a night of drunken fun and barely memorable shenanigans. The other night was not an exception. After making sure my hair and makeup were on fleek, and my outfit snatched, I stepped out for a night with the girls. And in the midst of dancing and drinking, I was literally hit with a blast from my past. I don't know who spotted who first, but I do know there was enough starring going back and forth for one of my friends to finally say, "Do you know him?"
First, let me say, we both have a group of close friends that we usually hang around, however, neither of us happened to be with that group of friends that night. And had we have been with the usual, I definitely don't think that the night would have began or ended in the same manner. Low key, since I discovered that I was still resentful, it might have ended in drunken blows, or with another missed opportunity to say all of the things that should have been said long before that night.
I hadn't seen him in over a year, and our situationship had ended long before that, but laying eyes on him stirred up all of the emotions that I thought I no longer felt. It is putting it lightly to say that our situation was passionate and intense from the beginning. We fought and we f*cked, and then we repeated the cycle. We cared deeply for one another, but we didn't talk, we allowed everything to reach tipping point, and maybe assumed that good sex would smooth everything over. Drake said it best, "The hottest love has the coldest end." And one day it all blew up. He moved on, literally and figuratively... I didn't, and while it hurt, it just was, and I accepted it, and push it to the furthest realms of my mind.
And then, at the bar of this club that neither of us had ever been too, we met, again. My first inclination was to pretend that we hadn't been meeting each other's eyes and to just avoid any contact with him. But that plan was quickly nixed by a quick girl's trip to the restroom. Our eyes met, and this time, he decided to be the bigger person and initiate the conversation. It's almost ironic that in a place usually filled with ill intentions, I was able to make peace with a man that I used to love.
I didn't know that the apology mattered, I didn't realize I needed to know that he still cared, I didn't care to ever consider that maybe he had loved me too (even if I loved him more).... We shared a night, a night that I will never regret, and from that night, I gained the one thing I didn't even know I had been missing. Peace.
If you would have asked me if I was over him, I would have told you, yes. I didn't have any contact with him, I'd suppressed all thoughts of him, and I refused to speak of him, good or bad. I was done, literally and figuratively, block listed his ass from my phone and my heart....as so I thought. And then I ran into him, a year later, unprepared, and in the most unlikeliest of places.
Neither of us are big club people, even though we have both been known to party with the best of them. So, every now and again, we allow our friends to drag us out for a night of drunken fun and barely memorable shenanigans. The other night was not an exception. After making sure my hair and makeup were on fleek, and my outfit snatched, I stepped out for a night with the girls. And in the midst of dancing and drinking, I was literally hit with a blast from my past. I don't know who spotted who first, but I do know there was enough starring going back and forth for one of my friends to finally say, "Do you know him?"
First, let me say, we both have a group of close friends that we usually hang around, however, neither of us happened to be with that group of friends that night. And had we have been with the usual, I definitely don't think that the night would have began or ended in the same manner. Low key, since I discovered that I was still resentful, it might have ended in drunken blows, or with another missed opportunity to say all of the things that should have been said long before that night.
I hadn't seen him in over a year, and our situationship had ended long before that, but laying eyes on him stirred up all of the emotions that I thought I no longer felt. It is putting it lightly to say that our situation was passionate and intense from the beginning. We fought and we f*cked, and then we repeated the cycle. We cared deeply for one another, but we didn't talk, we allowed everything to reach tipping point, and maybe assumed that good sex would smooth everything over. Drake said it best, "The hottest love has the coldest end." And one day it all blew up. He moved on, literally and figuratively... I didn't, and while it hurt, it just was, and I accepted it, and push it to the furthest realms of my mind.
And then, at the bar of this club that neither of us had ever been too, we met, again. My first inclination was to pretend that we hadn't been meeting each other's eyes and to just avoid any contact with him. But that plan was quickly nixed by a quick girl's trip to the restroom. Our eyes met, and this time, he decided to be the bigger person and initiate the conversation. It's almost ironic that in a place usually filled with ill intentions, I was able to make peace with a man that I used to love.
I didn't know that the apology mattered, I didn't realize I needed to know that he still cared, I didn't care to ever consider that maybe he had loved me too (even if I loved him more).... We shared a night, a night that I will never regret, and from that night, I gained the one thing I didn't even know I had been missing. Peace.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
What's Your Fit
"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
-Sir Winston Churchill
By now, you probably know that I frequently straddle the fence between saint and sinner, and on more days than I care to admit, I sometimes allow both legs to hit the darker side full throttle. I'm a thrill seeker and a typical Sagittarius that doesn't know a life without pushing boundaries. However, this morning I awoke surprisingly early (10:00am is early to me), after a night filled with many libations, with a heart that longed to hear the word. I wish that I could embellish my story and say I got fresh to death and headed to the holy house, but it's 2015. So, I more like pulled on a tshirt, because I think it is blasphemy to watch church in the nude, and tuned into my local pastor via live streaming.
Ever since I finished The Alchemist, I have been more in tune with the signs of the universe and the reasons that people are brought into my life. I'm also more cognizant of the things and people that I allow to consume my time and the role that they play in the overall picture: fulfilling my destiny. So, today's sermon came right on time.
The title of today's sermon, "What is your fit," coincided perfectly with my current sentiments about life. What is my destiny and what steps am I taking to fulfill it? And one of the key points that resonated for me was leadership comes from great collaboration. You can not be at the top of your game in any arena of life without having great minds with which to collaborate. And it was that point that led to today's epiphany.
I am a critical thinker and an analyzer. And I'm also slightly imaginative and delusional, hence the reason I write fiction, anything goes for a great story. With that being said, I often come to these grand conclusions, especially with my current mindset, about why certain people with certain attributes seem to come into my life at certain times. Sometimes I chuckle and have to thank God for not allowing me to get caught up with that select few of unambitious men that I knew I wanted to marry when it was "our" season. Thank you God for your sense of discernment, when I clearly had none, because I know I fought you tooth and nail to hold on to some of those niggas. However, in my last post, I spoke of the men that are currently in my life, and how they all seem to fit the same mold. And today, it all began to make sense.
In the words of my pastor, "One thing I've never seen is God NOT show up (even when we wanted him to mind his own business)." And when he shows up (stomp 3 times), you know he likes to show out. I realized today that I haven't finished a book since 2011. I've done some editing and some updates, here and there, but for the most part all of my books were finished years ago. And as much as I love to write and will start random novels here and there, I have not finished a single book since Punishment is Due (my next release). That means that for over 3 years, I have just been sitting on my gift. Readers all over the country are acknowledging my talent, and I don't have anything to give them after I release Punishment is Due this summer. Nothing. Nothing at all.
So, a few months ago, God brought "him" back into my life. We've always had a special connection, but it wasn't until he moved back to Houston that we were able to actually spend more time together and establish the deeper bond that comes from close proximity. However, I still didn't get what God was doing in my life. Then almost simultaneously a couple of months ago, he sent 2 more men, that are almost just as passionate about their gifts as "him" and spend just as many hours living and breathing life into their dreams, foregoing sleep to fulfill their destinies. And today, it all began to make sense. Your team fuels your dream...Let that resonate for a second. Being surrounded by this team of successful men, that all came from nothing, but that are making their dreams come true, makes you want to start producing and creating and training for leaving your legacy on the world. Many people fear dying and leaving their family behind or dying of a debilitating illness, etc, but my greatest fear is dying without reaching my pinnacle of success and leaving behind the type of legacy that has people talking for years to come... Not a Monica Lewinsky type legacy, but a Maya Angelou type legacy. I will not settle for anything less.
And what God has done is given me a team that inspires, that motivates, that creates, and that won't settle for anything less than greatness. I might not know my exact fit yet, but believe me when I say, 2015 is about to be a hell of a year. #StayTuned
-Sir Winston Churchill
By now, you probably know that I frequently straddle the fence between saint and sinner, and on more days than I care to admit, I sometimes allow both legs to hit the darker side full throttle. I'm a thrill seeker and a typical Sagittarius that doesn't know a life without pushing boundaries. However, this morning I awoke surprisingly early (10:00am is early to me), after a night filled with many libations, with a heart that longed to hear the word. I wish that I could embellish my story and say I got fresh to death and headed to the holy house, but it's 2015. So, I more like pulled on a tshirt, because I think it is blasphemy to watch church in the nude, and tuned into my local pastor via live streaming.
Ever since I finished The Alchemist, I have been more in tune with the signs of the universe and the reasons that people are brought into my life. I'm also more cognizant of the things and people that I allow to consume my time and the role that they play in the overall picture: fulfilling my destiny. So, today's sermon came right on time.
The title of today's sermon, "What is your fit," coincided perfectly with my current sentiments about life. What is my destiny and what steps am I taking to fulfill it? And one of the key points that resonated for me was leadership comes from great collaboration. You can not be at the top of your game in any arena of life without having great minds with which to collaborate. And it was that point that led to today's epiphany.
I am a critical thinker and an analyzer. And I'm also slightly imaginative and delusional, hence the reason I write fiction, anything goes for a great story. With that being said, I often come to these grand conclusions, especially with my current mindset, about why certain people with certain attributes seem to come into my life at certain times. Sometimes I chuckle and have to thank God for not allowing me to get caught up with that select few of unambitious men that I knew I wanted to marry when it was "our" season. Thank you God for your sense of discernment, when I clearly had none, because I know I fought you tooth and nail to hold on to some of those niggas. However, in my last post, I spoke of the men that are currently in my life, and how they all seem to fit the same mold. And today, it all began to make sense.
In the words of my pastor, "One thing I've never seen is God NOT show up (even when we wanted him to mind his own business)." And when he shows up (stomp 3 times), you know he likes to show out. I realized today that I haven't finished a book since 2011. I've done some editing and some updates, here and there, but for the most part all of my books were finished years ago. And as much as I love to write and will start random novels here and there, I have not finished a single book since Punishment is Due (my next release). That means that for over 3 years, I have just been sitting on my gift. Readers all over the country are acknowledging my talent, and I don't have anything to give them after I release Punishment is Due this summer. Nothing. Nothing at all.
So, a few months ago, God brought "him" back into my life. We've always had a special connection, but it wasn't until he moved back to Houston that we were able to actually spend more time together and establish the deeper bond that comes from close proximity. However, I still didn't get what God was doing in my life. Then almost simultaneously a couple of months ago, he sent 2 more men, that are almost just as passionate about their gifts as "him" and spend just as many hours living and breathing life into their dreams, foregoing sleep to fulfill their destinies. And today, it all began to make sense. Your team fuels your dream...Let that resonate for a second. Being surrounded by this team of successful men, that all came from nothing, but that are making their dreams come true, makes you want to start producing and creating and training for leaving your legacy on the world. Many people fear dying and leaving their family behind or dying of a debilitating illness, etc, but my greatest fear is dying without reaching my pinnacle of success and leaving behind the type of legacy that has people talking for years to come... Not a Monica Lewinsky type legacy, but a Maya Angelou type legacy. I will not settle for anything less.
And what God has done is given me a team that inspires, that motivates, that creates, and that won't settle for anything less than greatness. I might not know my exact fit yet, but believe me when I say, 2015 is about to be a hell of a year. #StayTuned
Monday, July 28, 2014
Trust Issues
I'm still trying to decide whether Drake and I are kindred spirits, because it seems that so many of his lyrics are reflective of my life. I'm out here living dreams and Drake lyrics and more often than not refuse to slow down long enough to let my mind catch up with my body and my heart with my mind.
I'm beginning to despise the question, "Why are you still single," because the harsh reality is that anyone that knows me knows why I'm still single. I'm stubborn, I'm selfish, often times irrational and live in a world where everything is centered around me. Most days I'm fine with my self imposed "singleness" and the freedom to do what and "who" I want when I want, but once every blue moon someone creeps into my life and throws off my balance.
The difference between me and most women is that I embrace my flaws and my shortcomings. I accept them as part of my being and while I recognize that some things about me are due for change, I know who I am. There is nothing you can tell me about myself that I don't already know. Am I crazy? Sometimes. Am I a mean girl? Sometimes. But will I give you the shirt off my back? Anytime. I am me and have been me for so long that me is the only person that I know how to be. And it doesn't help that I'm a part time loner that has no problem ostracizing themselves from the world just because...hence the reason that most days I am fine being single and without "one" significant other to bide my time.
And then that once every blue moon hits, and he comes along. Who is he? He is the one man out of every ten that causes my pedestal to tilt and my emotions to make me land flat on my ass. I'm never prepared for him or how to deal with him and the "me" that I have become accustomed to ceases to exist. My eyes stop wandering so much and all of a sudden, everybody is subconsciously compared to him. But this time, that "him" is my friend. And I don't trust myself to just let my guards down, lay all my cards on the table, and just see if maybe he's the one....I'm not willing to lose my friend, but am I willing to risk losing him to someone else?
"Tell me how the fuck we supposed to stay friends when we got a bunch of feelings that we don't show." - Drake
To be continued .....
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