"The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have it make some difference that we lived at all."
-Leo Buscaglia
Once upon a time, I lived for other people. Their feelings, their lives, their beliefs, their needs, all influenced my life. When they hurt, I hurt, when they failed, I felt their pain, and when they were at rock bottom, I was willing to lose myself trying to save them. And then, one day, I realized that while I was shouldering the weight of their world on my shoulders, I was losing myself in the process. And when I finally collapsed under the weight of their trials, they were never the ones there to save me. Over and over again, I faced the same lessons, I save, I mold, I make you the best you, and in the process, I lose a part of my soul. I've said it numerous times and will restate it again and again, God will give you the same test until you learn to pass it. And I had to fail that heaux over and over again before a light a bulb finally came on.
I spent much of my 20s learning and growing and making some of the same mistakes over and over, losing sight of what really mattered. I've always been destined for greatness, and excelling in my passions has always come with ease. I was the kid that never studied and excelled, the young adult that's worst is better than most people's best, and the woman that can conquer the world if I put my mind to it. Not arrogant, just aware of my God given talents. But I've also always been the woman that wears her heart on her sleeves and on more than one occasion, a man has almost been the reason why I allowed myself to wallow in self pity and stop reaching for the stars.
One of the hardest things about blogging about my life is that I'm fairly private. Even my closest friends only know what I choose to tell them. I choose to carry my own baggage in silence because I know what it's like to carry the weight of someone elses. I never want anyone to hurt with me or because of me, and even deeper than that, I never want to be the source of anyone's pity.
However recently, I had the epiphany of all epiphanies. Why do we allow ourselves to worry about things and people that don't really matter? That goes for the men, the day to day nuisances of life, the minor trials, the tribulations.... That goes for it all. If it's not going to matter 10 years from now, why do we allow it to matter today?
I'm not immune from crying. I'm not immune from pain. I'm not immune from hurting, because I am human. But what I am immune from is allowing someone else's BS to dictate my life and make me feel like less of a woman. My purpose in life is so much bigger than any relationship, any stressors associated with a 9-5 job, any drama that is not my own... I'm just out here chasing the reason for it all, and that's the only thing that matters. Keep the main thing, the main thing, and that main thing is greatness.
-Tonia
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, March 16, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Free at Last
"The hottest love always has the coldest end." -Drake
If you would have asked me if I was over him, I would have told you, yes. I didn't have any contact with him, I'd suppressed all thoughts of him, and I refused to speak of him, good or bad. I was done, literally and figuratively, block listed his ass from my phone and my heart....as so I thought. And then I ran into him, a year later, unprepared, and in the most unlikeliest of places.
Neither of us are big club people, even though we have both been known to party with the best of them. So, every now and again, we allow our friends to drag us out for a night of drunken fun and barely memorable shenanigans. The other night was not an exception. After making sure my hair and makeup were on fleek, and my outfit snatched, I stepped out for a night with the girls. And in the midst of dancing and drinking, I was literally hit with a blast from my past. I don't know who spotted who first, but I do know there was enough starring going back and forth for one of my friends to finally say, "Do you know him?"
First, let me say, we both have a group of close friends that we usually hang around, however, neither of us happened to be with that group of friends that night. And had we have been with the usual, I definitely don't think that the night would have began or ended in the same manner. Low key, since I discovered that I was still resentful, it might have ended in drunken blows, or with another missed opportunity to say all of the things that should have been said long before that night.
I hadn't seen him in over a year, and our situationship had ended long before that, but laying eyes on him stirred up all of the emotions that I thought I no longer felt. It is putting it lightly to say that our situation was passionate and intense from the beginning. We fought and we f*cked, and then we repeated the cycle. We cared deeply for one another, but we didn't talk, we allowed everything to reach tipping point, and maybe assumed that good sex would smooth everything over. Drake said it best, "The hottest love has the coldest end." And one day it all blew up. He moved on, literally and figuratively... I didn't, and while it hurt, it just was, and I accepted it, and push it to the furthest realms of my mind.
And then, at the bar of this club that neither of us had ever been too, we met, again. My first inclination was to pretend that we hadn't been meeting each other's eyes and to just avoid any contact with him. But that plan was quickly nixed by a quick girl's trip to the restroom. Our eyes met, and this time, he decided to be the bigger person and initiate the conversation. It's almost ironic that in a place usually filled with ill intentions, I was able to make peace with a man that I used to love.
I didn't know that the apology mattered, I didn't realize I needed to know that he still cared, I didn't care to ever consider that maybe he had loved me too (even if I loved him more).... We shared a night, a night that I will never regret, and from that night, I gained the one thing I didn't even know I had been missing. Peace.
If you would have asked me if I was over him, I would have told you, yes. I didn't have any contact with him, I'd suppressed all thoughts of him, and I refused to speak of him, good or bad. I was done, literally and figuratively, block listed his ass from my phone and my heart....as so I thought. And then I ran into him, a year later, unprepared, and in the most unlikeliest of places.
Neither of us are big club people, even though we have both been known to party with the best of them. So, every now and again, we allow our friends to drag us out for a night of drunken fun and barely memorable shenanigans. The other night was not an exception. After making sure my hair and makeup were on fleek, and my outfit snatched, I stepped out for a night with the girls. And in the midst of dancing and drinking, I was literally hit with a blast from my past. I don't know who spotted who first, but I do know there was enough starring going back and forth for one of my friends to finally say, "Do you know him?"
First, let me say, we both have a group of close friends that we usually hang around, however, neither of us happened to be with that group of friends that night. And had we have been with the usual, I definitely don't think that the night would have began or ended in the same manner. Low key, since I discovered that I was still resentful, it might have ended in drunken blows, or with another missed opportunity to say all of the things that should have been said long before that night.
I hadn't seen him in over a year, and our situationship had ended long before that, but laying eyes on him stirred up all of the emotions that I thought I no longer felt. It is putting it lightly to say that our situation was passionate and intense from the beginning. We fought and we f*cked, and then we repeated the cycle. We cared deeply for one another, but we didn't talk, we allowed everything to reach tipping point, and maybe assumed that good sex would smooth everything over. Drake said it best, "The hottest love has the coldest end." And one day it all blew up. He moved on, literally and figuratively... I didn't, and while it hurt, it just was, and I accepted it, and push it to the furthest realms of my mind.
And then, at the bar of this club that neither of us had ever been too, we met, again. My first inclination was to pretend that we hadn't been meeting each other's eyes and to just avoid any contact with him. But that plan was quickly nixed by a quick girl's trip to the restroom. Our eyes met, and this time, he decided to be the bigger person and initiate the conversation. It's almost ironic that in a place usually filled with ill intentions, I was able to make peace with a man that I used to love.
I didn't know that the apology mattered, I didn't realize I needed to know that he still cared, I didn't care to ever consider that maybe he had loved me too (even if I loved him more).... We shared a night, a night that I will never regret, and from that night, I gained the one thing I didn't even know I had been missing. Peace.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
What's Your Fit
"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
-Sir Winston Churchill
By now, you probably know that I frequently straddle the fence between saint and sinner, and on more days than I care to admit, I sometimes allow both legs to hit the darker side full throttle. I'm a thrill seeker and a typical Sagittarius that doesn't know a life without pushing boundaries. However, this morning I awoke surprisingly early (10:00am is early to me), after a night filled with many libations, with a heart that longed to hear the word. I wish that I could embellish my story and say I got fresh to death and headed to the holy house, but it's 2015. So, I more like pulled on a tshirt, because I think it is blasphemy to watch church in the nude, and tuned into my local pastor via live streaming.
Ever since I finished The Alchemist, I have been more in tune with the signs of the universe and the reasons that people are brought into my life. I'm also more cognizant of the things and people that I allow to consume my time and the role that they play in the overall picture: fulfilling my destiny. So, today's sermon came right on time.
The title of today's sermon, "What is your fit," coincided perfectly with my current sentiments about life. What is my destiny and what steps am I taking to fulfill it? And one of the key points that resonated for me was leadership comes from great collaboration. You can not be at the top of your game in any arena of life without having great minds with which to collaborate. And it was that point that led to today's epiphany.
I am a critical thinker and an analyzer. And I'm also slightly imaginative and delusional, hence the reason I write fiction, anything goes for a great story. With that being said, I often come to these grand conclusions, especially with my current mindset, about why certain people with certain attributes seem to come into my life at certain times. Sometimes I chuckle and have to thank God for not allowing me to get caught up with that select few of unambitious men that I knew I wanted to marry when it was "our" season. Thank you God for your sense of discernment, when I clearly had none, because I know I fought you tooth and nail to hold on to some of those niggas. However, in my last post, I spoke of the men that are currently in my life, and how they all seem to fit the same mold. And today, it all began to make sense.
In the words of my pastor, "One thing I've never seen is God NOT show up (even when we wanted him to mind his own business)." And when he shows up (stomp 3 times), you know he likes to show out. I realized today that I haven't finished a book since 2011. I've done some editing and some updates, here and there, but for the most part all of my books were finished years ago. And as much as I love to write and will start random novels here and there, I have not finished a single book since Punishment is Due (my next release). That means that for over 3 years, I have just been sitting on my gift. Readers all over the country are acknowledging my talent, and I don't have anything to give them after I release Punishment is Due this summer. Nothing. Nothing at all.
So, a few months ago, God brought "him" back into my life. We've always had a special connection, but it wasn't until he moved back to Houston that we were able to actually spend more time together and establish the deeper bond that comes from close proximity. However, I still didn't get what God was doing in my life. Then almost simultaneously a couple of months ago, he sent 2 more men, that are almost just as passionate about their gifts as "him" and spend just as many hours living and breathing life into their dreams, foregoing sleep to fulfill their destinies. And today, it all began to make sense. Your team fuels your dream...Let that resonate for a second. Being surrounded by this team of successful men, that all came from nothing, but that are making their dreams come true, makes you want to start producing and creating and training for leaving your legacy on the world. Many people fear dying and leaving their family behind or dying of a debilitating illness, etc, but my greatest fear is dying without reaching my pinnacle of success and leaving behind the type of legacy that has people talking for years to come... Not a Monica Lewinsky type legacy, but a Maya Angelou type legacy. I will not settle for anything less.
And what God has done is given me a team that inspires, that motivates, that creates, and that won't settle for anything less than greatness. I might not know my exact fit yet, but believe me when I say, 2015 is about to be a hell of a year. #StayTuned
-Sir Winston Churchill
By now, you probably know that I frequently straddle the fence between saint and sinner, and on more days than I care to admit, I sometimes allow both legs to hit the darker side full throttle. I'm a thrill seeker and a typical Sagittarius that doesn't know a life without pushing boundaries. However, this morning I awoke surprisingly early (10:00am is early to me), after a night filled with many libations, with a heart that longed to hear the word. I wish that I could embellish my story and say I got fresh to death and headed to the holy house, but it's 2015. So, I more like pulled on a tshirt, because I think it is blasphemy to watch church in the nude, and tuned into my local pastor via live streaming.
Ever since I finished The Alchemist, I have been more in tune with the signs of the universe and the reasons that people are brought into my life. I'm also more cognizant of the things and people that I allow to consume my time and the role that they play in the overall picture: fulfilling my destiny. So, today's sermon came right on time.
The title of today's sermon, "What is your fit," coincided perfectly with my current sentiments about life. What is my destiny and what steps am I taking to fulfill it? And one of the key points that resonated for me was leadership comes from great collaboration. You can not be at the top of your game in any arena of life without having great minds with which to collaborate. And it was that point that led to today's epiphany.
I am a critical thinker and an analyzer. And I'm also slightly imaginative and delusional, hence the reason I write fiction, anything goes for a great story. With that being said, I often come to these grand conclusions, especially with my current mindset, about why certain people with certain attributes seem to come into my life at certain times. Sometimes I chuckle and have to thank God for not allowing me to get caught up with that select few of unambitious men that I knew I wanted to marry when it was "our" season. Thank you God for your sense of discernment, when I clearly had none, because I know I fought you tooth and nail to hold on to some of those niggas. However, in my last post, I spoke of the men that are currently in my life, and how they all seem to fit the same mold. And today, it all began to make sense.
In the words of my pastor, "One thing I've never seen is God NOT show up (even when we wanted him to mind his own business)." And when he shows up (stomp 3 times), you know he likes to show out. I realized today that I haven't finished a book since 2011. I've done some editing and some updates, here and there, but for the most part all of my books were finished years ago. And as much as I love to write and will start random novels here and there, I have not finished a single book since Punishment is Due (my next release). That means that for over 3 years, I have just been sitting on my gift. Readers all over the country are acknowledging my talent, and I don't have anything to give them after I release Punishment is Due this summer. Nothing. Nothing at all.
So, a few months ago, God brought "him" back into my life. We've always had a special connection, but it wasn't until he moved back to Houston that we were able to actually spend more time together and establish the deeper bond that comes from close proximity. However, I still didn't get what God was doing in my life. Then almost simultaneously a couple of months ago, he sent 2 more men, that are almost just as passionate about their gifts as "him" and spend just as many hours living and breathing life into their dreams, foregoing sleep to fulfill their destinies. And today, it all began to make sense. Your team fuels your dream...Let that resonate for a second. Being surrounded by this team of successful men, that all came from nothing, but that are making their dreams come true, makes you want to start producing and creating and training for leaving your legacy on the world. Many people fear dying and leaving their family behind or dying of a debilitating illness, etc, but my greatest fear is dying without reaching my pinnacle of success and leaving behind the type of legacy that has people talking for years to come... Not a Monica Lewinsky type legacy, but a Maya Angelou type legacy. I will not settle for anything less.
And what God has done is given me a team that inspires, that motivates, that creates, and that won't settle for anything less than greatness. I might not know my exact fit yet, but believe me when I say, 2015 is about to be a hell of a year. #StayTuned
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Trust Issues Part 3
I consider myself to be a planner... I'm organized, I'm a control freak, and I walk around with my Erin Condren Life Planner attached to my hip like it's a vital artery. But every now and then life likes to throw you a curve ball. A curve ball that always seem to come at moments when they are least expected. 2015 is supposed to be about stability, business ownership, and creating a solid brand, and somehow I have ended up with a starting lineup of potential "baes." Like I really needed to complicate my love life.... I've continuously joked about the grandiose engagement that was going to occur near my 30th birthday, and not even 30 days into 2015, and I've lost my mind, my focus, and my celibacy. And the crazy thing is that, I also am starting to feel like I'm slowly drifting away from "him" even though, ironically, I've seen and talked to him more this year than I did the entire second half of 2014. I knew that we were finally on the path to getting it together....And then ....
I've always feared that somehow life would always pull us together at the most inopportune times... And he's let someone come into the mix that is slowly stealing my interest and that will possibly steal my heart. As much as I like to have control over my surroundings, I have a built in desire to play with fire. And this new one (clenched teeth emoji)... He has ignited something that I have not felt in a long time... In all honesty, they are so much alike professionally, that's it's starting to look like I've found my "type", but there is one thing that this new one has that he doesn't ... A passion. He's an artist, we are artist, and when two creative souls connect, there's always hot, steamy fire and desire. #StayTuned
I've always feared that somehow life would always pull us together at the most inopportune times... And he's let someone come into the mix that is slowly stealing my interest and that will possibly steal my heart. As much as I like to have control over my surroundings, I have a built in desire to play with fire. And this new one (clenched teeth emoji)... He has ignited something that I have not felt in a long time... In all honesty, they are so much alike professionally, that's it's starting to look like I've found my "type", but there is one thing that this new one has that he doesn't ... A passion. He's an artist, we are artist, and when two creative souls connect, there's always hot, steamy fire and desire. #StayTuned
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Trust Issues Part 2- The Ice Cold Edition
Him. A constant motivator that keeps me on my toes and will not let me settle for mediocrity. Him. That push that I need when I start to doubt my talent, my integrity, my date with success. Him. The man that I want but am still too afraid of being hurt to let my guards down and just say the words, "I like you, I want you, let's see where this goes." Him. The man that I will walk away from before I decide to be in competition with any other woman.
They say, "Matters of the heart can not be easily explained," and who am I to disagree with the statement that has dictated my love life. Like many women, I struggle with being vulnerable and just allowing myself to let go and open up myself to love. The thought of being heartbroken (again), even though it is seemingly inevitable, sends a chill through my spine like the frigid breeze of a winter morning. My mouth says, "It is easier being single than to risk being wrong." My heart says, "There is nothing like loving and being loved in return." And then the childish part of my brain is like, "Bish you know it's about to get cold outside, and that bed is about to be really lonely."
These days, my fall back game is reminiscent of the social network memes that show the man falling back out out of the plane. I've always been good at the initial walk aways. I can ignore a phone call and text like nobody's business and still smile and give a one armed hug when I see you like it's all good. Yet, each time I've come back and allowed my forgiving spirit to intervene, the final verdict has never been in my favor. And since experience is one of life's best lesson, this time I decided to fall back and not look back. I thought "him" was the one, but I'm not interested in not being the only one trying to be the only one. So until the next "him", it might be one of the coldest winters ever. To be continued.......
They say, "Matters of the heart can not be easily explained," and who am I to disagree with the statement that has dictated my love life. Like many women, I struggle with being vulnerable and just allowing myself to let go and open up myself to love. The thought of being heartbroken (again), even though it is seemingly inevitable, sends a chill through my spine like the frigid breeze of a winter morning. My mouth says, "It is easier being single than to risk being wrong." My heart says, "There is nothing like loving and being loved in return." And then the childish part of my brain is like, "Bish you know it's about to get cold outside, and that bed is about to be really lonely."
These days, my fall back game is reminiscent of the social network memes that show the man falling back out out of the plane. I've always been good at the initial walk aways. I can ignore a phone call and text like nobody's business and still smile and give a one armed hug when I see you like it's all good. Yet, each time I've come back and allowed my forgiving spirit to intervene, the final verdict has never been in my favor. And since experience is one of life's best lesson, this time I decided to fall back and not look back. I thought "him" was the one, but I'm not interested in not being the only one trying to be the only one. So until the next "him", it might be one of the coldest winters ever. To be continued.......
Sunday, September 7, 2014
I Want It All
When I look in the mirror, I see a woman conflicted by a million emotions. A woman that wants it all, because she has worked for it, she has cried for it, she has been hurt for it, and because she feels like she deserves it. I've never thought about 30 as much as I have over the past few months, and I don't even think it's because it is almost upon me, but more so, because I am over this 20s shit. I have came, I have saw, and I have definitely conquered my 20's. I have lived, baby, I have lived, and most weekends, I am still hanging from the chandeliers.
30 seems to be looming as the ultimate deadline to have the bullshit out your system and to have your shit together, and I honestly don't know whether I'm progressing or regressing. Most days I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I still live life on an edge always chasing dreams, and I still lack the desire to fully commit myself to anything, let alone a relationship. But I'm happy, lonely sometimes, but happy, unfilled with my career, but happy, financially irresponsible, but happy....
And it scares me... I want to be happy, but not complacent. Over the next year, I have so many mountains to cross in the form of state competency exams, book launches, making adult purchases like houses and big girl cars, etc.. So many milestones... The second that I allow complacency to creep into my spirit, I will fail. Everything that I plan to achieve over the course of the next year is going to require more of me, even more of God, and less of my rambunctious spirit that thrives on living life young, wild, and free. I have to get my shit together, I need to get my shit together.... I want my ideal career to fall into my lap, I want a man that loves my obnoxious self for me and one that I love just as much, I want my dream house, I want to make the Essence Best-Selling list, I want my family to get their shit together, I want to see the world, I want, I want, I want.. I want it all, and I am not willing to settle for anything less. Just call me the girl that wants everything.
-Tonia
30 seems to be looming as the ultimate deadline to have the bullshit out your system and to have your shit together, and I honestly don't know whether I'm progressing or regressing. Most days I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I still live life on an edge always chasing dreams, and I still lack the desire to fully commit myself to anything, let alone a relationship. But I'm happy, lonely sometimes, but happy, unfilled with my career, but happy, financially irresponsible, but happy....
And it scares me... I want to be happy, but not complacent. Over the next year, I have so many mountains to cross in the form of state competency exams, book launches, making adult purchases like houses and big girl cars, etc.. So many milestones... The second that I allow complacency to creep into my spirit, I will fail. Everything that I plan to achieve over the course of the next year is going to require more of me, even more of God, and less of my rambunctious spirit that thrives on living life young, wild, and free. I have to get my shit together, I need to get my shit together.... I want my ideal career to fall into my lap, I want a man that loves my obnoxious self for me and one that I love just as much, I want my dream house, I want to make the Essence Best-Selling list, I want my family to get their shit together, I want to see the world, I want, I want, I want.. I want it all, and I am not willing to settle for anything less. Just call me the girl that wants everything.
-Tonia
Monday, July 28, 2014
Trust Issues
I'm still trying to decide whether Drake and I are kindred spirits, because it seems that so many of his lyrics are reflective of my life. I'm out here living dreams and Drake lyrics and more often than not refuse to slow down long enough to let my mind catch up with my body and my heart with my mind.
I'm beginning to despise the question, "Why are you still single," because the harsh reality is that anyone that knows me knows why I'm still single. I'm stubborn, I'm selfish, often times irrational and live in a world where everything is centered around me. Most days I'm fine with my self imposed "singleness" and the freedom to do what and "who" I want when I want, but once every blue moon someone creeps into my life and throws off my balance.
The difference between me and most women is that I embrace my flaws and my shortcomings. I accept them as part of my being and while I recognize that some things about me are due for change, I know who I am. There is nothing you can tell me about myself that I don't already know. Am I crazy? Sometimes. Am I a mean girl? Sometimes. But will I give you the shirt off my back? Anytime. I am me and have been me for so long that me is the only person that I know how to be. And it doesn't help that I'm a part time loner that has no problem ostracizing themselves from the world just because...hence the reason that most days I am fine being single and without "one" significant other to bide my time.
And then that once every blue moon hits, and he comes along. Who is he? He is the one man out of every ten that causes my pedestal to tilt and my emotions to make me land flat on my ass. I'm never prepared for him or how to deal with him and the "me" that I have become accustomed to ceases to exist. My eyes stop wandering so much and all of a sudden, everybody is subconsciously compared to him. But this time, that "him" is my friend. And I don't trust myself to just let my guards down, lay all my cards on the table, and just see if maybe he's the one....I'm not willing to lose my friend, but am I willing to risk losing him to someone else?
"Tell me how the fuck we supposed to stay friends when we got a bunch of feelings that we don't show." - Drake
To be continued .....
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Team #SingleForever
All three members of the conversation, myself being one, were all educated, career oriented individuals, however, perspectives were vastly different.
According to the one male in the conversation, black women in their late 20s and 30s are becoming increasingly content with being single and independent, causing a majority of men in their age range to seek younger, more impressionable women.
While I have noticed a trend in men dating younger women, I have also noticed the degenerative state of many relationships this era. Many relationships are plagued with infidelity, and there seems to be a recent rise in the come ups of the side chicks.
Thus, my argument became that it is not that black women are content with being single, however, many of us that have been in "damaging" relationships, are less apt to join this trend of faddish relationships. By a faddish relationship, I mean a relationship that originates just for the sake of saying I have a significant other and is plagued by lies and infidelity.
I've cheated and been cheated on, I've loved and loved hard, and I know how it feels to be in a mind state of being broken beyond repair. And while my experiences have not made me bitter, they have made me wiser. I'm no longer the "girl" in my early twenties looking for gratification from a man, because I have truly grown to enjoy the company of myself. More than I want a boyfriend to use as an accessory like a overvalued Louis Vuitton bag, I want honesty, I want someone that motivates me, I want someone that loves me more than I love them, I want butterflies, and I want to wake up every morning without doubts about where my man is, and who he is with.
Tonia
Pictures from freedigitalphotos.net and madamenoir.com
Pictures from freedigitalphotos.net and madamenoir.com
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