Trust Issues Part 2- The Ice Cold Edition

Him.  A constant motivator that keeps me on my toes and will not let me settle for mediocrity.  Him.  That push that I need when I start to doubt my talent, my integrity, my date with success.  Him.  The man that I want but am still too afraid of being hurt to let my guards down and just say the words, "I like you, I want you, let's see where this goes." Him.  The man that I will walk away from before I decide to be in competition with any other woman.

They say, "Matters of the heart can not be easily explained," and who am I to disagree with the statement that has dictated my love life.  Like many women, I struggle with being vulnerable and just allowing myself to let go and open up myself to love.  The thought of being heartbroken (again), even though it is seemingly inevitable, sends a chill through my spine like the frigid breeze of a winter morning.  My mouth says, "It is easier being single than to risk being wrong."  My heart says, "There is nothing like loving and being loved in return."  And then the childish part of my brain is like, "Bish you know it's about to get cold outside, and that bed is about to be really lonely."

These days, my fall back game is reminiscent of the social network memes that show the man falling back out out of the plane.  I've always been good at the initial walk aways.  I can ignore a phone call and text like nobody's business and still smile and give a one armed hug when I see you like it's all good. Yet, each time I've come back and allowed my forgiving spirit to intervene, the final verdict has never been in my favor.  And since experience is one of life's best lesson, this time I decided to fall back and not look back.  I thought "him" was the one, but I'm not interested in not being the only one trying to be the only one.  So until the next "him", it might be one of the coldest winters ever.  To be continued.......

Team #SingleForever

In a conversation amongst acquaintances on a lovely Taco Tuesday, where adult beverages and tacos seemed to continuously replenish themselves, the conversation about black women and marriage was brought to the table. This conversation ended up sparking an intense debate that continued to play through my mind this morning.

All three members of the conversation, myself being one, were all educated, career oriented individuals, however, perspectives were vastly different. 

According to the one male in the conversation, black women in their late 20s and 30s are becoming increasingly content with being single and independent, causing a majority of men in their age range to seek younger, more impressionable women. 

While I have noticed a trend in men dating younger women, I have also noticed the degenerative state of many relationships this era. Many relationships are plagued with infidelity, and there seems to be a recent rise in the come ups of the side chicks. 

And even though, many women would like to blame the recent influx of side chicks on the callous actions of other women, in reality, a side chick is nothing more than the product of a unstable relationship.  A woman can't take a man from you that wants to be with you, and contrary to popular belief, these men are sleeping with and having kids with these women out of their own pure lust. While many women choose to be angry at the "other" woman, the reality is that she owes you nothing. Your commitment was with your significant other, not with this woman, and even though her actions may be morally wrong, the fiber of your relationship was already in trouble before her appearance. 

Thus, my argument became that it is not that black women are content with being single, however, many of us that have been in "damaging" relationships, are less apt to join this trend of faddish relationships. By a faddish relationship, I mean a relationship that originates just for the sake of saying I have a significant other and is plagued by lies and infidelity. 

I've cheated and been cheated on, I've loved and loved hard, and I know how it feels to be in a mind state of being broken beyond repair. And while my experiences have not made me bitter, they have made me wiser. I'm no longer the "girl" in my early twenties looking for gratification from a man, because I have truly grown to enjoy the company of myself. More than I want a boyfriend to use as an accessory like a overvalued Louis Vuitton bag, I want honesty, I want someone that motivates me, I want someone that loves me more than I love them, I want butterflies, and I want to wake up every morning without doubts about where my man is, and who he is with. 

I take marriage very seriously, and I am only exchanging vows one time. And since people in my family tend to live a full life to well in their 80s or 90s, the man that I date is one that I have to be with for at least the next 60 years. So, I think I am justified in saying that it is okay that I haven't met him yet (or at least I don't know it). In the meantime, I will continue to become a better me, so that when he comes I can be ready. I will never attest to being team #singleforever, but I will testify to not settling because society says I'm too old to not be married.

Tonia

Pictures from freedigitalphotos.net and madamenoir.com

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