The Reason for it All

"The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have it make some difference that we lived at all."
-Leo Buscaglia

Once upon a time, I lived for other people.  Their feelings, their lives, their beliefs, their needs, all influenced my life.  When they hurt, I hurt, when they failed, I felt their pain, and when they were at rock bottom, I was willing to lose myself trying to save them.  And then, one day, I realized that while I was shouldering the weight of their world on my shoulders, I was losing myself in the process.  And when I finally collapsed under the weight of their trials, they were never the ones there to save me.  Over and over again, I faced the same lessons, I save, I mold, I make you the best you, and in the process, I lose a part of my soul.  I've said it numerous times and will restate it again and again, God will give you the same test until you learn to pass it. And I had to fail that heaux over and over again before a light a bulb finally came on.

I spent much of my 20s learning and growing and making some of the same mistakes over and over, losing sight of what really mattered.  I've always been destined for greatness, and excelling in my passions has always come with ease.  I was the kid that never studied and excelled, the young adult that's worst is better than most people's best, and the woman that can conquer the world if I put my mind to it.  Not arrogant, just aware of my God given talents.  But I've also always been the woman that wears her heart on her sleeves and on more than one occasion, a man has almost been the reason why I allowed myself to wallow in self pity and stop reaching for the stars.

One of the hardest things about blogging about my life is that I'm fairly private.  Even my closest friends only know what I choose to tell them.  I choose to carry my own baggage in silence because I know what it's like to carry the weight of someone elses.  I never want anyone to hurt with me or because of me, and even deeper than that, I never want to be the source of anyone's pity.

However recently, I had the epiphany of all epiphanies.  Why do we allow ourselves to worry about things and people that don't really matter?  That goes for the men, the day to day nuisances of life, the minor trials, the tribulations.... That goes for it all.  If it's not going to matter 10 years from now, why do we allow it to matter today?

I'm not immune from crying.  I'm not immune from pain.  I'm not immune from hurting, because I am human.  But what I am immune from is allowing someone else's BS to dictate my life and make me feel like less of a woman.  My purpose in life is so much bigger than any relationship, any stressors associated with a 9-5 job, any  drama that is not my own... I'm just out here chasing the reason for it all, and that's the only thing that matters.  Keep the main thing, the main thing, and that main thing is greatness.

-Tonia

Trust Issues Part 2- The Ice Cold Edition

Him.  A constant motivator that keeps me on my toes and will not let me settle for mediocrity.  Him.  That push that I need when I start to doubt my talent, my integrity, my date with success.  Him.  The man that I want but am still too afraid of being hurt to let my guards down and just say the words, "I like you, I want you, let's see where this goes." Him.  The man that I will walk away from before I decide to be in competition with any other woman.

They say, "Matters of the heart can not be easily explained," and who am I to disagree with the statement that has dictated my love life.  Like many women, I struggle with being vulnerable and just allowing myself to let go and open up myself to love.  The thought of being heartbroken (again), even though it is seemingly inevitable, sends a chill through my spine like the frigid breeze of a winter morning.  My mouth says, "It is easier being single than to risk being wrong."  My heart says, "There is nothing like loving and being loved in return."  And then the childish part of my brain is like, "Bish you know it's about to get cold outside, and that bed is about to be really lonely."

These days, my fall back game is reminiscent of the social network memes that show the man falling back out out of the plane.  I've always been good at the initial walk aways.  I can ignore a phone call and text like nobody's business and still smile and give a one armed hug when I see you like it's all good. Yet, each time I've come back and allowed my forgiving spirit to intervene, the final verdict has never been in my favor.  And since experience is one of life's best lesson, this time I decided to fall back and not look back.  I thought "him" was the one, but I'm not interested in not being the only one trying to be the only one.  So until the next "him", it might be one of the coldest winters ever.  To be continued.......

I Want It All

When I look in the mirror, I see a woman conflicted by a million emotions.  A woman that wants it all, because she has worked for it, she has cried for it, she has been hurt for it, and because she feels like she deserves it.  I've never thought about 30 as much as I have over the past few months, and I don't even think it's because it is almost upon me, but more so, because I am over this 20s shit.  I have came, I have saw, and I have definitely conquered my 20's.  I have lived, baby, I have lived, and most weekends, I am still hanging from the chandeliers.  

30 seems to be looming as the ultimate deadline to have the bullshit out your system and to have your shit together, and I honestly don't know whether I'm progressing or regressing.  Most days I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I still live life on an edge always chasing dreams, and I still lack the desire to fully commit myself to anything, let alone a relationship.  But I'm happy, lonely sometimes, but happy, unfilled with my career, but happy, financially irresponsible, but happy....

And it scares me...  I want to be happy, but not complacent.  Over the next year, I have so many mountains to cross in the form of state competency exams, book launches, making adult purchases like houses and big girl cars, etc..  So many milestones...  The second that I allow complacency to creep into my spirit, I will fail.  Everything that I plan to achieve over the course of the next year is going to require more of me, even more of God, and less of my rambunctious spirit that thrives on living life young, wild, and free. I have to get my shit together, I need to get my shit together.... I want my ideal career to fall into my lap, I want a man that loves my obnoxious self for me and one that I love just as much, I want my dream house, I want to make the Essence Best-Selling list, I want my family to get their shit together, I want to see the world, I want, I want, I want..  I want it all, and I am not willing to settle for anything less.  Just call me the girl that wants everything.

-Tonia