The Reason for it All

"The purpose of life is to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have it make some difference that we lived at all."
-Leo Buscaglia

Once upon a time, I lived for other people.  Their feelings, their lives, their beliefs, their needs, all influenced my life.  When they hurt, I hurt, when they failed, I felt their pain, and when they were at rock bottom, I was willing to lose myself trying to save them.  And then, one day, I realized that while I was shouldering the weight of their world on my shoulders, I was losing myself in the process.  And when I finally collapsed under the weight of their trials, they were never the ones there to save me.  Over and over again, I faced the same lessons, I save, I mold, I make you the best you, and in the process, I lose a part of my soul.  I've said it numerous times and will restate it again and again, God will give you the same test until you learn to pass it. And I had to fail that heaux over and over again before a light a bulb finally came on.

I spent much of my 20s learning and growing and making some of the same mistakes over and over, losing sight of what really mattered.  I've always been destined for greatness, and excelling in my passions has always come with ease.  I was the kid that never studied and excelled, the young adult that's worst is better than most people's best, and the woman that can conquer the world if I put my mind to it.  Not arrogant, just aware of my God given talents.  But I've also always been the woman that wears her heart on her sleeves and on more than one occasion, a man has almost been the reason why I allowed myself to wallow in self pity and stop reaching for the stars.

One of the hardest things about blogging about my life is that I'm fairly private.  Even my closest friends only know what I choose to tell them.  I choose to carry my own baggage in silence because I know what it's like to carry the weight of someone elses.  I never want anyone to hurt with me or because of me, and even deeper than that, I never want to be the source of anyone's pity.

However recently, I had the epiphany of all epiphanies.  Why do we allow ourselves to worry about things and people that don't really matter?  That goes for the men, the day to day nuisances of life, the minor trials, the tribulations.... That goes for it all.  If it's not going to matter 10 years from now, why do we allow it to matter today?

I'm not immune from crying.  I'm not immune from pain.  I'm not immune from hurting, because I am human.  But what I am immune from is allowing someone else's BS to dictate my life and make me feel like less of a woman.  My purpose in life is so much bigger than any relationship, any stressors associated with a 9-5 job, any  drama that is not my own... I'm just out here chasing the reason for it all, and that's the only thing that matters.  Keep the main thing, the main thing, and that main thing is greatness.

-Tonia

Less of You, More of Me

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” 
-C. JoyBell

Happy New Year!  I am more than a little late, but they say better late than never right.  The start of a new year allows us all the opportunity to refocus and remove some of the dead weight that we have allowed to linger in our lives.  So many people are pessimistic about these things that we call "New Year Resolutions," but if you are like me you have to set a starting point to accomplish long term goals.  So, along with the usual resolutions, you know the ones I'm talking about, "I'm going to be summer time fine in the winter, I'm going to start watching what I eat, etc," I decided to use this year to remove dead weight that I have "allowed " to weigh me down for so long.

One of my struggles in life has always been holding onto dysfunctional relationships.  And even though those relationships include my relationships with men that I choose to date, last year helped me to realize that some of those relationships included family.  So, in preparation for completely removing the heavy weights that were sinking my life like an anchor, I begin to prepare for accomplishing my new year's resolutions in advance. 

In order to "set up" my life for the removal of some people closest to me, I had to first begin the ostracizing process.  Over the course of a couple of month, I adjusted living arrangements and life arrangements to sever the ties of dependency that were still linking me to those that I knew needed to go for the sake of my sanity.

I have a habit of allowing people to use me until they use me up.  Well, the bottle is empty and can no longer be refilled.  I am no longer interested in being a vessel for anyone else, but myself.  As I continue to reach pinnacles that I didn't see coming to fruition so soon and accomplishing goal after goal, there are some that will not be allowed to come along for the ride.  You will not ride me until the wheels come off, because from this day forward, I will be the only driver of this passenger-less vehicle. 

I thought that I would be sad and depressed in moving on with my life and leaving some behind, but I am never felt more free.  Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I am free at last.

1. Become Independent
2. Slowly Ostracize Yourself
3. Make Peace with your Decision
4. Let Go


-Tonia

Pride Comes Before the Fall

Pride is one of my biggest flaws, and I seem to never realize the harm it causes until the damage has already been done. You live and you learn.

-Tonia