Livin' Single- (A Single Girl's Valentine Tale)

Why haven't I got a husband and children?" mused Greta Garbo to the Dutchess of Windsor, "I never met a man I could marry.”
-Greta Garbo

In my world, every holiday is a celebration and an opportunity to let your hair down and enjoy good times with good people. I'm a joyful giver on Christmas, food connoisseur on Thanksgiving, drunk Irish on St. Patty's Day, egg hunting champion on Easter, the list goes on and on. And even though Valentine's Day is usually reserved for happily dating or happily "pretending" couples, it still falls onto the list of being one of my favorite holidays to celebrate. Chocolate covered strawberries, gourmet chocolates, heart shaped confections, and confessions of undying love; it's hard for many woman to not get wrapped up in the charm of this liturgical holiday commemorating a saint of love. As much as social media would like to portray us career-oriented women as illogical happily-independent single tyrants, I can admit that I am a sucker for Valentine's Day. It would be untrue to say that I didn't wish that I had already met my soul mate and was embarking on a life of romantic getaways, candlelight dinners, and undying love, but unfortunately, we have not yet crossed paths. So instead of spending the day with any man, just for the sake of having a Valentine's date, I decided to spend the holiday with people I love doing things that I love on the day of love. I'm just very traditional that way.

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with."

Sometimes I tend to treat holidays like birthdays, and celebrate them over a stretch of a few days, instead of just on the one assigned day. That is exactly what happened this Valentine's Day, because there were just so many fun things taking place. The holiday festivities started on Thursday with the Houston's Museum of Natural Science Mixers and Elixirs. This "themed" event takes place ever so often, and as of yet, is has not let me down. One of the highlights of Thursday's event was being able to name a roach after one of your least favorite exes and race it against others. And while I think that roaches are the most vile creatures known to man, I couldn't resist donating my $1 towards a good cause (I have to remember to send him this blog). I figured that my roach wouldn't be the winner though, because after all, it was named after a loser.

Friday, the official day of love, was marked by celebration amongst our antsy students as they overindulged in sweets and ran amuck in the hallways. While some students were graciously escorted to their buses at dismissal, my girls club and I, accompanied by a couple of other organizations, decided to spread some cheer at a nearby nursing home by delivering handmade Valentine's Day cards to the residents.
 

After returning from our short but eventful field trip, I celebrated the holiday at one of Houston's premiere cocktail lounges, the Rosemont Social Club.

On Saturday, I ended the holiday celebrations with another excursion to the Houston Musuem of Natural Science, but this time it was to embrace my cultural side at the Fabrege egg exhibit showcasing eggs that included those of the Romanov family.

I can admit it, I have a slight infatuation with the story of Anastasia and can be quite fanatical when it comes to things that involve the Romanov family. Contrary to popular belief, single girls can also enjoy Valentine's Day. Leading up to this holiday, social media has been saturated with the posts of bitter individuals complaining about how they don't celebrate Valentine's Day, and its just a Hallmark holiday, and that everyday should be Valentine's Day blah blah blah... Any holiday should be an excuse to enjoy life a little more, smile a litte more, and celebrate a litte more. I don't have to be in love with someone else to sometimes just live.....

“I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck.”

-Liz Tuccillo

Team #SingleForever

In a conversation amongst acquaintances on a lovely Taco Tuesday, where adult beverages and tacos seemed to continuously replenish themselves, the conversation about black women and marriage was brought to the table. This conversation ended up sparking an intense debate that continued to play through my mind this morning.

All three members of the conversation, myself being one, were all educated, career oriented individuals, however, perspectives were vastly different. 

According to the one male in the conversation, black women in their late 20s and 30s are becoming increasingly content with being single and independent, causing a majority of men in their age range to seek younger, more impressionable women. 

While I have noticed a trend in men dating younger women, I have also noticed the degenerative state of many relationships this era. Many relationships are plagued with infidelity, and there seems to be a recent rise in the come ups of the side chicks. 

And even though, many women would like to blame the recent influx of side chicks on the callous actions of other women, in reality, a side chick is nothing more than the product of a unstable relationship.  A woman can't take a man from you that wants to be with you, and contrary to popular belief, these men are sleeping with and having kids with these women out of their own pure lust. While many women choose to be angry at the "other" woman, the reality is that she owes you nothing. Your commitment was with your significant other, not with this woman, and even though her actions may be morally wrong, the fiber of your relationship was already in trouble before her appearance. 

Thus, my argument became that it is not that black women are content with being single, however, many of us that have been in "damaging" relationships, are less apt to join this trend of faddish relationships. By a faddish relationship, I mean a relationship that originates just for the sake of saying I have a significant other and is plagued by lies and infidelity. 

I've cheated and been cheated on, I've loved and loved hard, and I know how it feels to be in a mind state of being broken beyond repair. And while my experiences have not made me bitter, they have made me wiser. I'm no longer the "girl" in my early twenties looking for gratification from a man, because I have truly grown to enjoy the company of myself. More than I want a boyfriend to use as an accessory like a overvalued Louis Vuitton bag, I want honesty, I want someone that motivates me, I want someone that loves me more than I love them, I want butterflies, and I want to wake up every morning without doubts about where my man is, and who he is with. 

I take marriage very seriously, and I am only exchanging vows one time. And since people in my family tend to live a full life to well in their 80s or 90s, the man that I date is one that I have to be with for at least the next 60 years. So, I think I am justified in saying that it is okay that I haven't met him yet (or at least I don't know it). In the meantime, I will continue to become a better me, so that when he comes I can be ready. I will never attest to being team #singleforever, but I will testify to not settling because society says I'm too old to not be married.

Tonia

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Less of You, More of Me

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” 
-C. JoyBell

Happy New Year!  I am more than a little late, but they say better late than never right.  The start of a new year allows us all the opportunity to refocus and remove some of the dead weight that we have allowed to linger in our lives.  So many people are pessimistic about these things that we call "New Year Resolutions," but if you are like me you have to set a starting point to accomplish long term goals.  So, along with the usual resolutions, you know the ones I'm talking about, "I'm going to be summer time fine in the winter, I'm going to start watching what I eat, etc," I decided to use this year to remove dead weight that I have "allowed " to weigh me down for so long.

One of my struggles in life has always been holding onto dysfunctional relationships.  And even though those relationships include my relationships with men that I choose to date, last year helped me to realize that some of those relationships included family.  So, in preparation for completely removing the heavy weights that were sinking my life like an anchor, I begin to prepare for accomplishing my new year's resolutions in advance. 

In order to "set up" my life for the removal of some people closest to me, I had to first begin the ostracizing process.  Over the course of a couple of month, I adjusted living arrangements and life arrangements to sever the ties of dependency that were still linking me to those that I knew needed to go for the sake of my sanity.

I have a habit of allowing people to use me until they use me up.  Well, the bottle is empty and can no longer be refilled.  I am no longer interested in being a vessel for anyone else, but myself.  As I continue to reach pinnacles that I didn't see coming to fruition so soon and accomplishing goal after goal, there are some that will not be allowed to come along for the ride.  You will not ride me until the wheels come off, because from this day forward, I will be the only driver of this passenger-less vehicle. 

I thought that I would be sad and depressed in moving on with my life and leaving some behind, but I am never felt more free.  Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I am free at last.

1. Become Independent
2. Slowly Ostracize Yourself
3. Make Peace with your Decision
4. Let Go


-Tonia

Pride Comes Before the Fall

Pride is one of my biggest flaws, and I seem to never realize the harm it causes until the damage has already been done. You live and you learn.

-Tonia

Fashiionable Inperfections are not Alwas Trendy (The Truth about OnlineProofreading)

Yeah, I know that my title should read: Fashionable Imperfections are not always Trendy. As a freelance writer turned published author, I had to learn the hard way that editing and proofreading can't always be done on your own.  I use Grammarly for online proofreading because errors are never fashionable.   The most captivating plot and seemingly memorable mesmerizing characters can be lost amongst erranoeus spelling, grammatical errors, misplaced punctuation, and a host of other errors that can be corrected by professionals.  Don't allow your bestselling ideas to be forever lost in an at best mediocre novel that readers put down simply due to an unfashionable amount of fatal flaws. 

 

 

Tonia

-The Author of Fashionably Deceptive

Nothing Was the Same

I still been plotting on the low

Schemin on the low

The furthest thing from perfect

Like everyone I know

-Drake

Plotting on the Low

As I read the literary works of authors like Jodi Picoult, Eric Weber, Kwan, etc. it makes me realize the importance of always striving to perfect your craft.  So in the midst of preparing for the launch of #AFashionableRevelation, I have decided to further my education through Creative Writing courses.  I don't aspire to be merely a good writer, I aspire to be the best.  So, I will continue to plot my course according to my future aspirations.  Just because you see me in the club asking for water, so I can roll harder, doesn't mean that I am not constantly strategizing to become the next big author.

Schemin on the Low

And with my status bar set higher than most, I realize that it will take more than greatness to make Tonia the Author a household name.  I can admit than I am outspoken amongst my group of friends, but I am shy when it comes to being placed in a room of unfamiliar faces.  It seems that every big author started off pushing books out of their trunks, but I shy away at the idea of being rejected or turned away from a potential customer.  However, I realize that a closed mouth will not get fed, so I am finally ready to put on my big girl panties and open my mouth to sell this dream of mine.  Men do it all the time, and I can guarantee that I can offer a better product than most of them are pushing. ;)

The Furthest Thing from Perfect (Like Everyone I Know)

As delusional as I am (that's what makes me a great writer), I still recognize that I am just as flawed as the next individual.  Yet, even with all of my imperfections and insecurities, I am on the way to living my dreams.  And the reality is that whether I am loved or hated, I will be recognized and remembered for being the great writer that I am destined to become......June 29th (Book Release Day) will always be a day to remember, and nothing has been the same since .....

 

 

Tonia

Doing It Wrong

June 29th marked the start of the first day of my life... As cliche as that may sound, it is my inevitable truth.  If I never publish another book, the fact still remains that on that day I became a published author, entreprenuer, and small business owner.  Boy, do I look good on paper... (*pats self on back).  I am no longer just Tonia, the imaginative girl with the cynical sense of humor, I am the woman that went out on a limb, spent every extra dollar, nickel, and penny that I did and DID NOT have, and put together a fantabulous book release event at a premiere venue to match the masterpiece of a novel that I finally decided to publish after 6 years.  Everytime that I tell someone that I wrote a novel (which is rarely, because I often forget), I am usually met with a wide eyed stare followed by, "That's amazing.  I have never met anyone that wrote a novel."  And may I add in that this same novel, that I was petrified to publish, has stellar 5 star reviews on Amazon.  A certain football somebody even thought that my accomplishment was so noteworthy, that he graced my friends and I with two bottles of premium libations for my "out of the ordinary" achievement.    You would think that life is great, that I am living my dreams being #richforever, #poppingbottles, #twerkingonweekdays, #throwingitinthebag, #rockingVersaceVersace, and all of the other coonery that accompanies being rich and famous.

However, the reality is that this imaginative girl with the flames shooting from her fingers and three books in her reserve has no idea what she is doing.  My book release was absolutely phenomenal, my Amazon reviews have not seen a star under 5, and my fans are raving, but the reality is that I have no earthly idea what I am supposed to be doing next in this process.  How do I sell my masterpiece in a market oversaturated by other writers that share the same sentiment about their works of art (whether justified or not), and overcome my fear of facing a room full of black women engaging in a therapeutic ritual known as "beauty shop day" to give my speil on purchasing my novel?  Oh, how I envy the boudain and CD/DVD man that has no problem sauntering in on my therapeutic salon days to offer me the latest Kevin Hart movie or that Drake that hasn't even hit the shelves yet. 

You can't tell me that I wasn't born to write... Even though my closest friends were pleasantly surprised that I was able to produce a "real" novel almost effortlessly, I have been writing since I was a child.  While other kids were playing outside soaking up the rays, I was somewhere tucked away with either a novel or a pen allowing my thoughts to run rampant and escaping into whatever magical place my imagination felt the need to contrive.  I might not be able to dribble down the court or even run a half a lap, but give me a pen and paper and I can show you some things.  Yet, here I sit, with a five star book, no dollars, and a dream, without the slightest clue of how to sell books outside of my local fanbase.  When you say your prayers tonight, please send one up for me, because I refuse to be a coulda been, woulda been, shoulda been.....  Right now, I may be doing it wrong, because of my fear of failing at doing it right, but keep watching, because I will be something different....

Tonia