Trust Issues Part 2- The Ice Cold Edition

Him.  A constant motivator that keeps me on my toes and will not let me settle for mediocrity.  Him.  That push that I need when I start to doubt my talent, my integrity, my date with success.  Him.  The man that I want but am still too afraid of being hurt to let my guards down and just say the words, "I like you, I want you, let's see where this goes." Him.  The man that I will walk away from before I decide to be in competition with any other woman.

They say, "Matters of the heart can not be easily explained," and who am I to disagree with the statement that has dictated my love life.  Like many women, I struggle with being vulnerable and just allowing myself to let go and open up myself to love.  The thought of being heartbroken (again), even though it is seemingly inevitable, sends a chill through my spine like the frigid breeze of a winter morning.  My mouth says, "It is easier being single than to risk being wrong."  My heart says, "There is nothing like loving and being loved in return."  And then the childish part of my brain is like, "Bish you know it's about to get cold outside, and that bed is about to be really lonely."

These days, my fall back game is reminiscent of the social network memes that show the man falling back out out of the plane.  I've always been good at the initial walk aways.  I can ignore a phone call and text like nobody's business and still smile and give a one armed hug when I see you like it's all good. Yet, each time I've come back and allowed my forgiving spirit to intervene, the final verdict has never been in my favor.  And since experience is one of life's best lesson, this time I decided to fall back and not look back.  I thought "him" was the one, but I'm not interested in not being the only one trying to be the only one.  So until the next "him", it might be one of the coldest winters ever.  To be continued.......

I Want It All

When I look in the mirror, I see a woman conflicted by a million emotions.  A woman that wants it all, because she has worked for it, she has cried for it, she has been hurt for it, and because she feels like she deserves it.  I've never thought about 30 as much as I have over the past few months, and I don't even think it's because it is almost upon me, but more so, because I am over this 20s shit.  I have came, I have saw, and I have definitely conquered my 20's.  I have lived, baby, I have lived, and most weekends, I am still hanging from the chandeliers.  

30 seems to be looming as the ultimate deadline to have the bullshit out your system and to have your shit together, and I honestly don't know whether I'm progressing or regressing.  Most days I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I still live life on an edge always chasing dreams, and I still lack the desire to fully commit myself to anything, let alone a relationship.  But I'm happy, lonely sometimes, but happy, unfilled with my career, but happy, financially irresponsible, but happy....

And it scares me...  I want to be happy, but not complacent.  Over the next year, I have so many mountains to cross in the form of state competency exams, book launches, making adult purchases like houses and big girl cars, etc..  So many milestones...  The second that I allow complacency to creep into my spirit, I will fail.  Everything that I plan to achieve over the course of the next year is going to require more of me, even more of God, and less of my rambunctious spirit that thrives on living life young, wild, and free. I have to get my shit together, I need to get my shit together.... I want my ideal career to fall into my lap, I want a man that loves my obnoxious self for me and one that I love just as much, I want my dream house, I want to make the Essence Best-Selling list, I want my family to get their shit together, I want to see the world, I want, I want, I want..  I want it all, and I am not willing to settle for anything less.  Just call me the girl that wants everything.

-Tonia






 

A Fashionable Revelation (Coming November 2014)

It is said that everything that is done in the dark will one day come to the light….

 

Jordan couldn’t be happier to find out that Chris is leaving the dope game.  However, that happiness is quickly replaced when Chris becomes more inattentive than ever leaving Jordan wondering whether she's the only woman holding the key to his heart. 

 

Pharris thought that she had found her soul mate in her fiance’ and is looking forward to graduation and moving in with her love.  Yet, everytime that she turns around his job at the hospital seems to be taking precedence over their relationship.  How many cancellations does it take before a wedding cancellation begins to loom on the horizon? 

 

After years of putting up with the cheating ways of her ex, football star, Dareon Anderson, Kayla has finally moved on and is enjoying life with Terry, who just happens to be Dareon’s half-brother.  Life couldn’t be better until Kayla discovers that one of her closest friends has been keeping a secret that is going to be one Fashionable Revelation. 

Trust Issues

I'm still trying to decide whether Drake and I are kindred spirits, because it seems that so many of his lyrics are reflective of my life. I'm out here living dreams and Drake lyrics and more often than not refuse to slow down long enough to let my mind catch up with my body and my heart with my mind.

I'm beginning to despise the question, "Why are you still single," because the harsh reality is that anyone that knows me knows why I'm still single. I'm stubborn, I'm selfish, often times irrational and live in a world where everything is centered around me. Most days I'm fine with my self imposed "singleness" and the freedom to do what and "who" I want when I want, but once every blue moon someone creeps into my life and throws off my balance.

The difference between me and most women is that I embrace my flaws and my shortcomings. I accept them as part of my being and while I recognize that some things about me are due for change, I know who I am. There is nothing you can tell me about myself that I don't already know. Am I crazy? Sometimes. Am I a mean girl? Sometimes. But will I give you the shirt off my back? Anytime. I am me and have been me for so long that me is the only person that I know how to be. And it doesn't help that I'm a part time loner that has no problem ostracizing themselves from the world just because...hence the reason that most days I am fine being single and without "one" significant other to bide my time.

And then that once every blue moon hits, and he comes along. Who is he? He is the one man out of every ten that causes my pedestal to tilt and my emotions to make me land flat on my ass. I'm never prepared for him or how to deal with him and the "me" that I have become accustomed to ceases to exist. My eyes stop wandering so much and all of a sudden, everybody is subconsciously compared to him. But this time, that "him" is my friend. And I don't trust myself to just let my guards down, lay all my cards on the table, and just see if maybe he's the one....I'm not willing to lose my friend, but am I willing to risk losing him to someone else?  

"Tell me how the fuck we supposed to stay friends when we got a bunch of feelings that we don't show." - Drake

To be continued .....

Fear of Falling

It has been over a year since the launch of my debut novel, Fashionably Deceptive, and I vowed to not be the author that takes decades to release their sequel (especially since the sequel has already been written), but yet, I have somehow ended up in that boat. 

Every email from an awaiting fan pulls on my heartstrings and causes a case of nostalgia to creep into my spirit.  On top of being a writer, I have a career in education, and as searching for a Counseling position becomes increasingly disheartening due to a lack of available positions and connects, I find the date of my next book release being pushed further and further into oblivion.

My days and nightmares have become consumed with updating cover letters, printing out resumes, and submitting applications.  The thought of remaining stagnant causes dry heaves and a throbbing headache that does not subside for hours. 

I can admit that my spirituality and faith sometimes come under questioning, rightfully so. I can also admit that I don't know or understand what's next in my journey ... I'm over qualified, more than competent, a decent person, and know that I could and would make a difference if given the opportunity in a new position ... God, please lead my footsteps, because I'm okay with admitting I don't know what you want from me. 

I feel lost in an abyss, sailing through a sea of grey, when my mind can only understand black and white. Speak to me God.... I'm listening. 

GIVEAWAY: Win 5 autographed Fashionably Deceptive novels along with a Fashionably Deceptive t-shirt!

Greetings Readers,

As I prepare to launch my new website, I will be giving away 5 autographed Fashionably Deceptive novels along with a Fashionably Deceptive t-shirt.  In order to win, all that you have to do is make sure that you are following my ToniatheAuthor Facebook Fan page, Twitter, and Instagram account. The links are below:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

The contest rules and deadlines are below.  Good Luck!

Fashionably Deceptive Contest Rules

1. In order to win, contestants must be following the ToniatheAuthor Facebook Fan Page, Instagram, and Twitter accounts.
2. There will be five winners, and each winner will receive an autographed Fashionably Deceptive novel and a t-shirt.  Winners will be chosen randomly.  The more accounts you follow, the more of a chance you have to win.
3. The contest will start on Sunday, April 6th and end on Sunday, April 13th.
4. The winners will be announced via social media on Monday, April 14th.

The Law of Attraction

“When you concentrate your energy purposely on the future possibility that you aspire to realize, your energy is passed on to it and makes it attracted to you with a force stronger than the one you directed towards it.”  - Steven Richards

Do you believe in the law of attraction?  Is it possible that our mind is so powerful that our perceptions can become reality?  Does your negative thinking have a negative impact on your life?  Do the rich and successful stay rich and successful because they wholeheartedly believe in their abilities?

The world's best kept secret, the law of attraction, is not really a secret anymore.  If you have not read the book or watched the movie, The Secret, the chances are great that you have probably heard of it.  According to the ideology behind this self help book pinned by Rhonda Byrne, positive thinking can create increased wealth, health, and happiness.  Byrne believes and promotes a three step creative process for accomplishing your goals: Ask, Believe, and Recieve. 

"And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." (Matthew 21:22)

Gratitude and visualization are the two powerful processes behind the Law of Attraction.  Be grateful for the things that you have yet to recieve and visualize these achievements into existence.

For example:  Let's say that you are seeking a job promotion.  According to the Law of Attraction, by having positive thoughts about that promotion and being grateful like its already obtained will spread that energy into the air.  Start preparing yourself for that promotion, and the law of attraction will rearrange events in your life to make that happen.  In laments terms, claim your heart desires, believe in your goals and abilities, and they will manifest themselves in your favor.

So the question becomes, it is because we doubt ourselves and our ability that we are not able to accomplish our goals?  Is it the negativity that we put into the air that inhibits our accomplishments?  Is it that many successful people are arrogant and cocky, or is it that they've realized that believing in yourself draws success into your life? 

Many pastors have preached about the power in the tongue, having faith, and not speaking negativity into existence.  In my mind, this is the same concept as The Law of Attraction.  Many times we diminish our values with our self doubt.  "I think I can get this job promotion, but I know there are many other people more qualified than I am.  I want to buy a house next year, but I probably will not be qualified.  I want to fall in love, but all men are the same.  I would like to travel more, but I don't have the time or money."

“The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.” -J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

I am sure that I am not the only one guilty of questioning their ability.  I have realized that I am qualified in several areas, well-educated, and fairly competent.  However, I find myself using that "but" rationale frequently.  Example:  "I would start applying for school counseling jobs in other districts, but we just got this new pay raise."  Between my content with consistency and fear of failure, I have allowed myself to remain stagnant in not only my career, but also my personal life.   Let's not forget that it took 7 years for me to publish my first novel, Fashionably Deceptive.  However, I am slowly trying to alleviate the word "but" from my vocabulary.  When there are goals and dreams that you feel destined to achieve, there should be no "buts" about what God has for you.  The word "but" negates everything that came before it. 

The Law of Attraction almost sounds to simple to be realistic, but how many of us can actually believe in our heart's desires without allowing that evil thing called self-doubt to creep into your mind?  Let's try it.  Think about something that you want more than anything in this world.  Now, that you have that pictured, did reasons why you can't recieve or accomplish that thing also seep into your mind right behind it?  More than likely, the answer is yes. 

I'm striving to become more mindful of the negativity that I speak from my mouth and/or think in my head in regards to my achievements. I've found an accountability partner/motivator to help correct my vision when I start throwing around that nasty word "but" around or not believing that my dreams and goals will/can manifest themselves. 

"Because you have little faith," he said. "I assure you that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Go from here to there,' and it will go. There will be nothing that you can't do." (Matthew 17:20)

Even the bible states that your belief in yourself is strong enough to move mountains.  And I would like to think that these mountains are really just the different types of adversity that you sometimes have to face in the pursuit of happiness.

The biggest fan that you have, besides God, that has the biggest impact over your life is YOU.  If you don't believe in yourself, who will.  As my college roommate once said, "If I don't lie to me, who will?"  Start believing in your competency, abilities, and the blessings that are set forth for you, and you would be surprised in the things that can happen.  Keep doubting yourself and you will keep getting the same thing you've been getting.  At the end of the day, even if the Law of Attraction is just merely a myth, a positive outlook on life almost always leads to happiness anyway. 

“Cultivate an optimistic mind, use your imagination, always consider alternatives, and dare to believe that you can make possible what others think is impossible.”  -Rodolfo Costa

-Tonia
photo credit: devilicious.symphonick via photopin cc