"The hottest love always has the coldest end." -Drake
If you would have asked me if I was over him, I would have told you, yes. I didn't have any contact with him, I'd suppressed all thoughts of him, and I refused to speak of him, good or bad. I was done, literally and figuratively, block listed his ass from my phone and my heart....as so I thought. And then I ran into him, a year later, unprepared, and in the most unlikeliest of places.
Neither of us are big club people, even though we have both been known to party with the best of them. So, every now and again, we allow our friends to drag us out for a night of drunken fun and barely memorable shenanigans. The other night was not an exception. After making sure my hair and makeup were on fleek, and my outfit snatched, I stepped out for a night with the girls. And in the midst of dancing and drinking, I was literally hit with a blast from my past. I don't know who spotted who first, but I do know there was enough starring going back and forth for one of my friends to finally say, "Do you know him?"
First, let me say, we both have a group of close friends that we usually hang around, however, neither of us happened to be with that group of friends that night. And had we have been with the usual, I definitely don't think that the night would have began or ended in the same manner. Low key, since I discovered that I was still resentful, it might have ended in drunken blows, or with another missed opportunity to say all of the things that should have been said long before that night.
I hadn't seen him in over a year, and our situationship had ended long before that, but laying eyes on him stirred up all of the emotions that I thought I no longer felt. It is putting it lightly to say that our situation was passionate and intense from the beginning. We fought and we f*cked, and then we repeated the cycle. We cared deeply for one another, but we didn't talk, we allowed everything to reach tipping point, and maybe assumed that good sex would smooth everything over. Drake said it best, "The hottest love has the coldest end." And one day it all blew up. He moved on, literally and figuratively... I didn't, and while it hurt, it just was, and I accepted it, and push it to the furthest realms of my mind.
And then, at the bar of this club that neither of us had ever been too, we met, again. My first inclination was to pretend that we hadn't been meeting each other's eyes and to just avoid any contact with him. But that plan was quickly nixed by a quick girl's trip to the restroom. Our eyes met, and this time, he decided to be the bigger person and initiate the conversation. It's almost ironic that in a place usually filled with ill intentions, I was able to make peace with a man that I used to love.
I didn't know that the apology mattered, I didn't realize I needed to know that he still cared, I didn't care to ever consider that maybe he had loved me too (even if I loved him more).... We shared a night, a night that I will never regret, and from that night, I gained the one thing I didn't even know I had been missing. Peace.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
What's Your Fit
"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
-Sir Winston Churchill
By now, you probably know that I frequently straddle the fence between saint and sinner, and on more days than I care to admit, I sometimes allow both legs to hit the darker side full throttle. I'm a thrill seeker and a typical Sagittarius that doesn't know a life without pushing boundaries. However, this morning I awoke surprisingly early (10:00am is early to me), after a night filled with many libations, with a heart that longed to hear the word. I wish that I could embellish my story and say I got fresh to death and headed to the holy house, but it's 2015. So, I more like pulled on a tshirt, because I think it is blasphemy to watch church in the nude, and tuned into my local pastor via live streaming.
Ever since I finished The Alchemist, I have been more in tune with the signs of the universe and the reasons that people are brought into my life. I'm also more cognizant of the things and people that I allow to consume my time and the role that they play in the overall picture: fulfilling my destiny. So, today's sermon came right on time.
The title of today's sermon, "What is your fit," coincided perfectly with my current sentiments about life. What is my destiny and what steps am I taking to fulfill it? And one of the key points that resonated for me was leadership comes from great collaboration. You can not be at the top of your game in any arena of life without having great minds with which to collaborate. And it was that point that led to today's epiphany.
I am a critical thinker and an analyzer. And I'm also slightly imaginative and delusional, hence the reason I write fiction, anything goes for a great story. With that being said, I often come to these grand conclusions, especially with my current mindset, about why certain people with certain attributes seem to come into my life at certain times. Sometimes I chuckle and have to thank God for not allowing me to get caught up with that select few of unambitious men that I knew I wanted to marry when it was "our" season. Thank you God for your sense of discernment, when I clearly had none, because I know I fought you tooth and nail to hold on to some of those niggas. However, in my last post, I spoke of the men that are currently in my life, and how they all seem to fit the same mold. And today, it all began to make sense.
In the words of my pastor, "One thing I've never seen is God NOT show up (even when we wanted him to mind his own business)." And when he shows up (stomp 3 times), you know he likes to show out. I realized today that I haven't finished a book since 2011. I've done some editing and some updates, here and there, but for the most part all of my books were finished years ago. And as much as I love to write and will start random novels here and there, I have not finished a single book since Punishment is Due (my next release). That means that for over 3 years, I have just been sitting on my gift. Readers all over the country are acknowledging my talent, and I don't have anything to give them after I release Punishment is Due this summer. Nothing. Nothing at all.
So, a few months ago, God brought "him" back into my life. We've always had a special connection, but it wasn't until he moved back to Houston that we were able to actually spend more time together and establish the deeper bond that comes from close proximity. However, I still didn't get what God was doing in my life. Then almost simultaneously a couple of months ago, he sent 2 more men, that are almost just as passionate about their gifts as "him" and spend just as many hours living and breathing life into their dreams, foregoing sleep to fulfill their destinies. And today, it all began to make sense. Your team fuels your dream...Let that resonate for a second. Being surrounded by this team of successful men, that all came from nothing, but that are making their dreams come true, makes you want to start producing and creating and training for leaving your legacy on the world. Many people fear dying and leaving their family behind or dying of a debilitating illness, etc, but my greatest fear is dying without reaching my pinnacle of success and leaving behind the type of legacy that has people talking for years to come... Not a Monica Lewinsky type legacy, but a Maya Angelou type legacy. I will not settle for anything less.
And what God has done is given me a team that inspires, that motivates, that creates, and that won't settle for anything less than greatness. I might not know my exact fit yet, but believe me when I say, 2015 is about to be a hell of a year. #StayTuned
-Sir Winston Churchill
By now, you probably know that I frequently straddle the fence between saint and sinner, and on more days than I care to admit, I sometimes allow both legs to hit the darker side full throttle. I'm a thrill seeker and a typical Sagittarius that doesn't know a life without pushing boundaries. However, this morning I awoke surprisingly early (10:00am is early to me), after a night filled with many libations, with a heart that longed to hear the word. I wish that I could embellish my story and say I got fresh to death and headed to the holy house, but it's 2015. So, I more like pulled on a tshirt, because I think it is blasphemy to watch church in the nude, and tuned into my local pastor via live streaming.
Ever since I finished The Alchemist, I have been more in tune with the signs of the universe and the reasons that people are brought into my life. I'm also more cognizant of the things and people that I allow to consume my time and the role that they play in the overall picture: fulfilling my destiny. So, today's sermon came right on time.
The title of today's sermon, "What is your fit," coincided perfectly with my current sentiments about life. What is my destiny and what steps am I taking to fulfill it? And one of the key points that resonated for me was leadership comes from great collaboration. You can not be at the top of your game in any arena of life without having great minds with which to collaborate. And it was that point that led to today's epiphany.
I am a critical thinker and an analyzer. And I'm also slightly imaginative and delusional, hence the reason I write fiction, anything goes for a great story. With that being said, I often come to these grand conclusions, especially with my current mindset, about why certain people with certain attributes seem to come into my life at certain times. Sometimes I chuckle and have to thank God for not allowing me to get caught up with that select few of unambitious men that I knew I wanted to marry when it was "our" season. Thank you God for your sense of discernment, when I clearly had none, because I know I fought you tooth and nail to hold on to some of those niggas. However, in my last post, I spoke of the men that are currently in my life, and how they all seem to fit the same mold. And today, it all began to make sense.
In the words of my pastor, "One thing I've never seen is God NOT show up (even when we wanted him to mind his own business)." And when he shows up (stomp 3 times), you know he likes to show out. I realized today that I haven't finished a book since 2011. I've done some editing and some updates, here and there, but for the most part all of my books were finished years ago. And as much as I love to write and will start random novels here and there, I have not finished a single book since Punishment is Due (my next release). That means that for over 3 years, I have just been sitting on my gift. Readers all over the country are acknowledging my talent, and I don't have anything to give them after I release Punishment is Due this summer. Nothing. Nothing at all.
So, a few months ago, God brought "him" back into my life. We've always had a special connection, but it wasn't until he moved back to Houston that we were able to actually spend more time together and establish the deeper bond that comes from close proximity. However, I still didn't get what God was doing in my life. Then almost simultaneously a couple of months ago, he sent 2 more men, that are almost just as passionate about their gifts as "him" and spend just as many hours living and breathing life into their dreams, foregoing sleep to fulfill their destinies. And today, it all began to make sense. Your team fuels your dream...Let that resonate for a second. Being surrounded by this team of successful men, that all came from nothing, but that are making their dreams come true, makes you want to start producing and creating and training for leaving your legacy on the world. Many people fear dying and leaving their family behind or dying of a debilitating illness, etc, but my greatest fear is dying without reaching my pinnacle of success and leaving behind the type of legacy that has people talking for years to come... Not a Monica Lewinsky type legacy, but a Maya Angelou type legacy. I will not settle for anything less.
And what God has done is given me a team that inspires, that motivates, that creates, and that won't settle for anything less than greatness. I might not know my exact fit yet, but believe me when I say, 2015 is about to be a hell of a year. #StayTuned
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Trust Issues Part 3
I consider myself to be a planner... I'm organized, I'm a control freak, and I walk around with my Erin Condren Life Planner attached to my hip like it's a vital artery. But every now and then life likes to throw you a curve ball. A curve ball that always seem to come at moments when they are least expected. 2015 is supposed to be about stability, business ownership, and creating a solid brand, and somehow I have ended up with a starting lineup of potential "baes." Like I really needed to complicate my love life.... I've continuously joked about the grandiose engagement that was going to occur near my 30th birthday, and not even 30 days into 2015, and I've lost my mind, my focus, and my celibacy. And the crazy thing is that, I also am starting to feel like I'm slowly drifting away from "him" even though, ironically, I've seen and talked to him more this year than I did the entire second half of 2014. I knew that we were finally on the path to getting it together....And then ....
I've always feared that somehow life would always pull us together at the most inopportune times... And he's let someone come into the mix that is slowly stealing my interest and that will possibly steal my heart. As much as I like to have control over my surroundings, I have a built in desire to play with fire. And this new one (clenched teeth emoji)... He has ignited something that I have not felt in a long time... In all honesty, they are so much alike professionally, that's it's starting to look like I've found my "type", but there is one thing that this new one has that he doesn't ... A passion. He's an artist, we are artist, and when two creative souls connect, there's always hot, steamy fire and desire. #StayTuned
I've always feared that somehow life would always pull us together at the most inopportune times... And he's let someone come into the mix that is slowly stealing my interest and that will possibly steal my heart. As much as I like to have control over my surroundings, I have a built in desire to play with fire. And this new one (clenched teeth emoji)... He has ignited something that I have not felt in a long time... In all honesty, they are so much alike professionally, that's it's starting to look like I've found my "type", but there is one thing that this new one has that he doesn't ... A passion. He's an artist, we are artist, and when two creative souls connect, there's always hot, steamy fire and desire. #StayTuned
Monday, December 1, 2014
#StayTuned
Over the weekend, I released my second novel, A Fashionable Revelation, and I am still beaming from ear to ear. The set up was amazing, the food was delicious, and the support was more than I could have ever imagined. There were so many individuals that came together to help make this event a success, and I am forever grateful. 100 plus people in one spot drinking, laughing, and celebrating one of your accomplishments....Yeah, it was a pretty great night. And considering I also celebrated my birthday a few days ago, 29 is starting off pretty great. I must admit that lately I have been feeling as if success is imminent.
In between picking up last minute things for the book release and enjoying the holiday with my family, I somehow had time last week to read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Let me start off by saying that I attempted to read this very book for a scholarship over a decade ago, and I hadn't picked it up since... However, it always seems like God knows how to put what you need in your face when you need it to help convey his message.
Lately, I have been experiencing a tingling in my soul that I can not explain. A tingling that I can only explain as anticipation for unforeseen great things to come. And with that tingling, my self doubt has been at an all time low. Usually before a big event, I'm worried about whether everything is going to come together in time, will the turnout be bigger than the last event, will everyone have a good time, etc. However, this time around it was almost like God was saying, "Be easy child, I got you." I didn't stress when my book had to go back through re-editing, or when I didn't have books 2 days before the event, or even when my RSVPs exceeded the number of books that I had ordered. I sometimes complain about not being able to "hear" God, but I can say that I am definitely feeling him. And this time, I decided to be still and just let him lead. And when I decided to sit back and just listen, that book that I couldn't relate to umpteen years ago started speaking life into my own.
I always feel like I need to be in control of everything that occurs and have a hard time sitting back and just allowing things to manifest. In no way am I saying remain complacent and succumb to mediocrity, but learn to relinquish control over the things outside of our control and just trust that there are forces bigger than you at work. I have cried and prayed over not finding a Counselor position for this school year, stressed over not knowing whether these books sales and reviews will surpass Fashionably Deceptive, and secretly mourned for a man that was never mine. And then out of nowhere, I began experiencing a calm that has yet to lift. I'm starting to realize that the odds are not stacked against me and that maybe I haven't received some of the blessings that I knew were mine because those were not the blessings reserved for me. Instead of pitying myself when things don't go according to "my" plan, I'm starting to realize that "his" plan includes some lessons, bumps, and bruises that are preparing me for the finale. It's a hell of a feeling to be excited about blessings that you haven't even got yet but that you can feel on the horizon.
I no longer believe that fate controls my life and that I have to be content with mediocrity when blessings don't come when I want them. I now know that it is because God knew I wasn't ready. I no longer believe that God is allowing the devil to personally attack my blessings. I now know that in order to realize your dreams, you must master your lessons as God has a tendency to test you on everything you should be learning along the way. You can't get your penthouse if you are still struggling managing your apartment. You're not getting your Lance Gross, if you are still around here messing with..... (That was a holy shout moment, in case you missed it #thankmelater)
I am a work in progress. I am still learning, still growing, still may fall short at times, but this tingling that I feel.... All I can say is #StayTuned
In between picking up last minute things for the book release and enjoying the holiday with my family, I somehow had time last week to read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Let me start off by saying that I attempted to read this very book for a scholarship over a decade ago, and I hadn't picked it up since... However, it always seems like God knows how to put what you need in your face when you need it to help convey his message.
Lately, I have been experiencing a tingling in my soul that I can not explain. A tingling that I can only explain as anticipation for unforeseen great things to come. And with that tingling, my self doubt has been at an all time low. Usually before a big event, I'm worried about whether everything is going to come together in time, will the turnout be bigger than the last event, will everyone have a good time, etc. However, this time around it was almost like God was saying, "Be easy child, I got you." I didn't stress when my book had to go back through re-editing, or when I didn't have books 2 days before the event, or even when my RSVPs exceeded the number of books that I had ordered. I sometimes complain about not being able to "hear" God, but I can say that I am definitely feeling him. And this time, I decided to be still and just let him lead. And when I decided to sit back and just listen, that book that I couldn't relate to umpteen years ago started speaking life into my own.
I always feel like I need to be in control of everything that occurs and have a hard time sitting back and just allowing things to manifest. In no way am I saying remain complacent and succumb to mediocrity, but learn to relinquish control over the things outside of our control and just trust that there are forces bigger than you at work. I have cried and prayed over not finding a Counselor position for this school year, stressed over not knowing whether these books sales and reviews will surpass Fashionably Deceptive, and secretly mourned for a man that was never mine. And then out of nowhere, I began experiencing a calm that has yet to lift. I'm starting to realize that the odds are not stacked against me and that maybe I haven't received some of the blessings that I knew were mine because those were not the blessings reserved for me. Instead of pitying myself when things don't go according to "my" plan, I'm starting to realize that "his" plan includes some lessons, bumps, and bruises that are preparing me for the finale. It's a hell of a feeling to be excited about blessings that you haven't even got yet but that you can feel on the horizon.
I no longer believe that fate controls my life and that I have to be content with mediocrity when blessings don't come when I want them. I now know that it is because God knew I wasn't ready. I no longer believe that God is allowing the devil to personally attack my blessings. I now know that in order to realize your dreams, you must master your lessons as God has a tendency to test you on everything you should be learning along the way. You can't get your penthouse if you are still struggling managing your apartment. You're not getting your Lance Gross, if you are still around here messing with..... (That was a holy shout moment, in case you missed it #thankmelater)
I am a work in progress. I am still learning, still growing, still may fall short at times, but this tingling that I feel.... All I can say is #StayTuned
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Trust Issues Part 2- The Ice Cold Edition
Him. A constant motivator that keeps me on my toes and will not let me settle for mediocrity. Him. That push that I need when I start to doubt my talent, my integrity, my date with success. Him. The man that I want but am still too afraid of being hurt to let my guards down and just say the words, "I like you, I want you, let's see where this goes." Him. The man that I will walk away from before I decide to be in competition with any other woman.
They say, "Matters of the heart can not be easily explained," and who am I to disagree with the statement that has dictated my love life. Like many women, I struggle with being vulnerable and just allowing myself to let go and open up myself to love. The thought of being heartbroken (again), even though it is seemingly inevitable, sends a chill through my spine like the frigid breeze of a winter morning. My mouth says, "It is easier being single than to risk being wrong." My heart says, "There is nothing like loving and being loved in return." And then the childish part of my brain is like, "Bish you know it's about to get cold outside, and that bed is about to be really lonely."
These days, my fall back game is reminiscent of the social network memes that show the man falling back out out of the plane. I've always been good at the initial walk aways. I can ignore a phone call and text like nobody's business and still smile and give a one armed hug when I see you like it's all good. Yet, each time I've come back and allowed my forgiving spirit to intervene, the final verdict has never been in my favor. And since experience is one of life's best lesson, this time I decided to fall back and not look back. I thought "him" was the one, but I'm not interested in not being the only one trying to be the only one. So until the next "him", it might be one of the coldest winters ever. To be continued.......
They say, "Matters of the heart can not be easily explained," and who am I to disagree with the statement that has dictated my love life. Like many women, I struggle with being vulnerable and just allowing myself to let go and open up myself to love. The thought of being heartbroken (again), even though it is seemingly inevitable, sends a chill through my spine like the frigid breeze of a winter morning. My mouth says, "It is easier being single than to risk being wrong." My heart says, "There is nothing like loving and being loved in return." And then the childish part of my brain is like, "Bish you know it's about to get cold outside, and that bed is about to be really lonely."
These days, my fall back game is reminiscent of the social network memes that show the man falling back out out of the plane. I've always been good at the initial walk aways. I can ignore a phone call and text like nobody's business and still smile and give a one armed hug when I see you like it's all good. Yet, each time I've come back and allowed my forgiving spirit to intervene, the final verdict has never been in my favor. And since experience is one of life's best lesson, this time I decided to fall back and not look back. I thought "him" was the one, but I'm not interested in not being the only one trying to be the only one. So until the next "him", it might be one of the coldest winters ever. To be continued.......
Sunday, September 7, 2014
I Want It All
When I look in the mirror, I see a woman conflicted by a million emotions. A woman that wants it all, because she has worked for it, she has cried for it, she has been hurt for it, and because she feels like she deserves it. I've never thought about 30 as much as I have over the past few months, and I don't even think it's because it is almost upon me, but more so, because I am over this 20s shit. I have came, I have saw, and I have definitely conquered my 20's. I have lived, baby, I have lived, and most weekends, I am still hanging from the chandeliers.
30 seems to be looming as the ultimate deadline to have the bullshit out your system and to have your shit together, and I honestly don't know whether I'm progressing or regressing. Most days I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I still live life on an edge always chasing dreams, and I still lack the desire to fully commit myself to anything, let alone a relationship. But I'm happy, lonely sometimes, but happy, unfilled with my career, but happy, financially irresponsible, but happy....
And it scares me... I want to be happy, but not complacent. Over the next year, I have so many mountains to cross in the form of state competency exams, book launches, making adult purchases like houses and big girl cars, etc.. So many milestones... The second that I allow complacency to creep into my spirit, I will fail. Everything that I plan to achieve over the course of the next year is going to require more of me, even more of God, and less of my rambunctious spirit that thrives on living life young, wild, and free. I have to get my shit together, I need to get my shit together.... I want my ideal career to fall into my lap, I want a man that loves my obnoxious self for me and one that I love just as much, I want my dream house, I want to make the Essence Best-Selling list, I want my family to get their shit together, I want to see the world, I want, I want, I want.. I want it all, and I am not willing to settle for anything less. Just call me the girl that wants everything.
-Tonia
30 seems to be looming as the ultimate deadline to have the bullshit out your system and to have your shit together, and I honestly don't know whether I'm progressing or regressing. Most days I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I still live life on an edge always chasing dreams, and I still lack the desire to fully commit myself to anything, let alone a relationship. But I'm happy, lonely sometimes, but happy, unfilled with my career, but happy, financially irresponsible, but happy....
And it scares me... I want to be happy, but not complacent. Over the next year, I have so many mountains to cross in the form of state competency exams, book launches, making adult purchases like houses and big girl cars, etc.. So many milestones... The second that I allow complacency to creep into my spirit, I will fail. Everything that I plan to achieve over the course of the next year is going to require more of me, even more of God, and less of my rambunctious spirit that thrives on living life young, wild, and free. I have to get my shit together, I need to get my shit together.... I want my ideal career to fall into my lap, I want a man that loves my obnoxious self for me and one that I love just as much, I want my dream house, I want to make the Essence Best-Selling list, I want my family to get their shit together, I want to see the world, I want, I want, I want.. I want it all, and I am not willing to settle for anything less. Just call me the girl that wants everything.
-Tonia
Sunday, August 10, 2014
A Fashionable Revelation (Coming November 2014)
It is said that everything that is done in the dark will one day come to the light….
Jordan couldn’t be happier to find out that Chris is leaving the dope game. However, that happiness is quickly replaced when Chris becomes more inattentive than ever leaving Jordan wondering whether she's the only woman holding the key to his heart.
Pharris thought that she had found her soul mate in her fiance’ and is looking forward to graduation and moving in with her love. Yet, everytime that she turns around his job at the hospital seems to be taking precedence over their relationship. How many cancellations does it take before a wedding cancellation begins to loom on the horizon?
After years of putting up with the cheating ways of her ex, football star, Dareon Anderson, Kayla has finally moved on and is enjoying life with Terry, who just happens to be Dareon’s half-brother. Life couldn’t be better until Kayla discovers that one of her closest friends has been keeping a secret that is going to be one Fashionable Revelation.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)