Tuesday, May 28, 2013

What If

As everything starts to fall into place, I find myself with nervous jitters.  What if I fail?  What if I don't sell but a handful of books (those being the ones sold to my family and friend fan club)?  What if I never make it further than being a local known author?  Even great singers don't sell albums and phenomenal athletes haven't went pro....

I can play this what if game all day, and I am still in the process of learning that it doesn't get you anywhere.  6 years later and I am still doubting that its my time, my moment... Maybe because my fear of failure is greater than my desire to succeed.  I've been told I'm already one of the best, I've been told my destiny is to go far, and still the butterflies in my stomach have me feeling like maybe I'm not ready yet.

Today I am going to make the decision that come June 29th, I'm capturing my moment and am going to let go and enjoy this journey.  Because the reality is, what if I am really as good as the critics say that I am? 


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Don't Believe Me Just Watch

You know your OCD friend that always stresses over everything and can't seem to function until every detail is in place.... Well, I am that OCD friend.  I have a checklist that stretches to the floor of things that need to be done by the book release date, and I am unable to check any of them off at a fast enough rate to make the butterflies in my stomach take a permanent nap. 

June 29th will be one of the biggest days of my life, unless I somehow get married within the next month to my fiance that has yet to exist.  Yet, as excited as I am, my stomach and my heart are in emotional turmoil worried that something is going to go wrong and spoil "my day."  Again, my fear of failure begins to overshadow my desire for success.  But just when I feel like I should push back my date and try this journey again when I'm ready, God shows up and shows out like he has the tendency to do in the midst of doubt. 

While sitting reviewing my list of things that have yet to be done, I recieved a text from my brother of bible study notes from yesterday.  The very first line of those notes read:

Do the ridiculous (follow your dream).

In that moment, my heart smiled because I realize that I am doing the ridiculous in following my dreams, instead of allowing myself to remain content in a career that no longer instills joy.  And following that phrase were these powerful points:

1. Don't fear.
2. Don't fret.
3. Don't faint.
4. Don't forget.

"You think you're waiting on him, but he's been waiting on you." 

There are many times that we sit and wait for God to answer our prayers, when all that he wants us to do is meet him halfway.  You don't appreciate anything that you haven't worked for and shed sweat, blood, and tears to accomplish, so in knowing that I should know that I need to keep my eye on the prize and keep pushing.  And as if God knew that I still needed an additional push to get me out of my slump, I called the club owner of the venue for my after party and realized just how easy some things are going to be because of the people that have been placed in my life.  I called him to figure out just what else I needed to add to my ever growing list, and instead of having to pull out my Ipad, I was politely, yet sternly told, the only thing you need to worry about is showing up. 

Every now and then I have to remember that serenity can come through prayer and ask God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  June 29th is going to be the phenomenal day that it is supposed to be, and if you don't believe me just watch. 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Never Would Have Made It

I can not continue this journey without getting this off my chest, and I am honestly almost in tears thinking about the blessings that God has bestowed upon me.  There have been many times when I have not understood my struggles and my trials and tribulations,but it is all starting to become crystal clear.  I would not be who I am or be able to write some of the things that I am able to write without the things that I have been through... And through it all God has placed some phenomenal people in my life... Even the ones that only made it for a season were here for a reason.

Since I have actually started to focus on publishing my first book, I have received so many thoughtful emails, text, phone calls, words of encouragement, comments on social networks, etc., and those are the things that keep me going.  On the days when I doubt myself, those seem to be the days that I receive the most support.

I don't care what anyone says, I am nothing without my support system of family, friends, and even acquaintances that have given me the courage to keep striving to reach my goals.  When I post #nonewfriends it is not because I don't value the entity of friendship, it is because God has blessed me with friends that have been there through hell and high water when I thought I wasn't good enough, strong enough, wise enough, brave enough...

Whether you have sent a text or email, said a kind word, read or edited a draft (there are so many of you), plan to buy a book, or simply just liked or commented on a social network, just know that I never would have made it without you.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

A Graphic Struggle

You write a book, wade your way through the self-publishing process (sometimes drowning), and just when you think you are nearing the finish line you realize:  I still need a damn book cover. FML!  And then you realize that since you haven't given a second thought to your book cover, you don't have a clue what to put on the front of your novel.  I know that the old saying is, "Don't judge a book by its cover," but that is far from the truth.  Before many readers even think to give me chance, they will have already judged me by the cover of my book. 

I started the graphic designer struggle way back in January, and it has been a very trying journey to find the design that appealed to my senses as a writer and reader.  I have stressed (almost cried), pulled my hair out (my weave anyway), and was at witts end just trying to make someone see what I saw in my head.  I mean, it can't be that hard to read my mind right?  It wasn't working, and I had started to think I would have a book without a cover.

Two weeks ago, thanks to the assistance of my brother, I was connected with the designer that would be able to take my vision and bring it to life.  As of today, my graphics have been finalized, and another milestone in this process has been passed with flying colors.  June 29th, I am ready for you, but are you ready for me? #FashionablyDeceptiveComingSoon